Thoughts4Today

5/30/23 Hey. I've gotten really lax about this blog. I started taking classes in the spring and they kept me pretty busy. And I went through a break up after 8 years in February which has also kept me busy. We acquired a lot of junk to which is still being siphoned out. Being a single women is no joke especially when you have too much stuff. Now that school is over, straight A's (I will definitely brag!!), summer is here. I have a pool and a motorcycle and grass that needs to be cut, a camper I want to use (no truck to pull it with though). I've been so busy. I have gone through periods of sadness and loneliness, and then periods of empowerment and gratitude.
Its been a long time since I've been alone, my kids are grown and doing their own thing, my parents are older, my dad is bedridden and my mother has not much choice but to sit by his bedside.
There is never enough time for everything that needs to be done, should be done, can be done. Life has become overwhelming. That is not my goal. I want a nice relaxing lifestyle.
My goal is to be able to find a remote job and travel in my camper wherever it takes me. I think this is what my goal is.
What a journey life can be.
I will finish my classes this fall for the certification I am working toward. Maybe I will continue and finish my bachelors degree as well.
I will make new friends. Hopefully spend more time with old ones. Its not where I thought I would be when 2023 started, but its ok. I believe I prayed for this. Clarity. Be careful what you pray for. You just might get it. God Bless!

4/19/23 I want to tell you about my day yesterday. I work in billing and I type customer invoices. I abbreviated the word associate and it turned out ASS. The customer saw it and mentioned it to one of our managers. I believe the customer thought it was a funny error. Our customers are mostly amazing. Our company is usually very laid back but this was an embarrassing mistake on my part. She passed the mistake around. Then emailed it to our administration about how we should check ourselves before we send things, that is could make us all look like an ASS! I was enraged and embarrassed. Why not bring it to my attention instead of making a spectacle? Everyone in admin had already seen it but just in case, lets make sure.
She had made an error in her grammar as she wrote the email. So, I shot back that it must have been something like that. She came back at me again but in a undertone of ugly. I sat in my pause. I knew that I couldn't do anything that wouldn't make it worse. I sat and fumed.
She must have as well. I got a phone call. She wanted to know if I would have written that to our other managers. All our managers were on the email. I knew they would see it. She did not think I would have.
As she is "bullying" me, another manager is at my desk. I included him in the conversation which caught her off guard.
What a s**t show! So far there hasn't been any repercussion. I mentioned it to my manager just so if anything arises that it was known. I have had a few fall outs. I have this issue of standing up for myself now. I don't pick arguments.
It took me a long time to be able to stand up for myself. For many years I'm sure I was "sexual harassed" before I even knew what it was. Hell, I may have even sexually harassed someone. Boundaries were never one of my strong suites. I have had to work hard to learn that I have worth. That I deserve to be treated the way others want to be treated. Normally :)
I don't know if anything else will come of this. This is not the first time she has said something in front of others. I don't understand why??? Maturity is learning when and how to talk to someone if there is an issue.
Pray for me!

2/14/23 Happy Valentine's Day!
You know Valentine's day at my house doesn't carry much weight. I did buy the kids (all grown) a balloon and a card. I actually even bought my boyfriend a card, my grandkids and my parents (they will probably see it) but for some reason we are tight around our house.
Even as a single mother, the kids always got something. You know, my kids aren't really givers, none of them. My 2 and his 2. Xmas, birthdays... I make sure everyone at least gets a birthday cake and gets sung to.
Anyway, I don't even remember what it was like when I was a single person. I think and I still have cards for my friends (probably because I never gave them out). I really suck at getting cards to people.
I do have plans tonight but only because my girlfriend and I made them a month ago. If its not on the schedule it doesn't get done.
I hope everyone has a wonderful day today, tomorrow and the following day. I will say Happy Valentines Day just because its Valentines Day.

1/28/23 Just Shut the F*** Up!
Do you ever just think to yourself, I need to just shut the f**k up! So many times I say something then afterwards I wish I would have just let it be. Do I always have to speak? Just have the last work. Speak what comes into my brain. It doesn’t always have to be said. And sometime it doesn’t even hurt anyone, or bother anyone or they may not even notice but I do.
How about when you should speak up and don’t. I always think I’m just gonna let that fly. They didn’t mean it the way it sounded. I’m sure it was just a slip, I do it all the time. Or they have no manners.
I’ve done it all. I always think that if I speak up that it will end up in a fist fight. Old stinking thinking. I am way too old to be fist fighting. It makes me giggle thinking about it.
And shutting the f**k up… well it really just bothers me. Sometimes I feel ignored, or that I talk to much as is.
How about when you give too much information. Or talk inappropriately at inappropriate times. Done it!!! For sure!
All life lessons that people or I cannot be taught until you feel it. Like feel it inside. Its very uncomfortable and I have tried to retract or take things back. It doesn’t work.
What brought this on was today. A fella really was just trying to complement me saying he thought I looked like Anne Margaret. Many youngins don’t know who she is, I do because my dad lusted after her in his day. My boyfriend didn’t know who she is and he’s not that young but instead of taking the complement I said, I don’t know if that is a complement or not, she’s gotten pretty old now. I knew what he meant. Why? Just why couldn’t I shut up?
Or with my children… they are showing me something or telling me something they are proud of and I say but … or what if? Shut the f**k up, just shut the f**k up!
I remember a time when my daughter was little. She wanted to surprise me with breakfast in bed for my birthday or mothers day. I think she scrambled the eggs and instead of just saying thank you I said why didn’t you cook them some other way, I don’t even remember what it exactly was. And I don’t even think she caught it but I know my ex husband did. In a fight, I remember him saying, you just had to eat the eggs, Just eat the eggs!! He was right, why would I say anything thank you.
If my children have issues about being profectionist, there we go. That is why. I’m pretty sure my mother and father do it to me as well or did.
Any, I have been taught to practice the pause. I don’t always follow through with it, but I do make an effort.
So, I am practicing at 52 to just Shut the F*** Up! Wish me luck!