Terrell K. Mercer

15 years ago, this time of year. I was driving 5 hours, rain, sleet or snow to be by my father side. Due to him being in a medicated coma, he wasn't even aware of my presence during my trips. That was until the day he was awakened and we had the conversation that the child inside of me longed to hear. Yet, the adult me didn't want to hear it. In the midst of me seeing him in the state he was in, I forgot the pain. I forgot the neglect. I forgot the broken promises. I forgot the feeling of just wanting him to be there. He was close to being an enigma because while being my father I knew little of the man he was. He didn't even realize I was the one in the room with him when he opened his eyes. I will never forget hearing, "I THOUGHT YOU WERE MY SON." "I SO WISH HE WAS HERE. I HAVE SO MUCH TO SAY." I told him several times, fighting back tears, that it was me. He began to tell me how he regret missing out on his sons (me) life. He then began to cry and tell me he was sorry. He told me he loved me. I never doubted his love for me but I dont think he knew how to properly love me. Or maybe he was afraid to love me because it would allow someone to see him fully. Or maybe he felt incapable of a covering love because the love he was raised on didn't encompass that. Either way, here we were at the moment in time where our last words would truly be our last words. This is an experience I wish on no one. Nothing or no one should stop you from loving your child properly and healthy to where they grow up wearing a robe of rejection because your absence made them feel unwanted. Dont let your death bed be the place where you get it off your chest.