Dustin Shultz, MFT

Many couples end up stuck in a pattern where the more one partner pushes for connection, the more the other pulls away.

Over time, one person starts feeling desperate to be heard, while the other feels increasingly overwhelmed.

From the outside it can look like one person cares too much and the other doesn’t care enough.

But most of the time, both partners are reacting to emotional threat in different ways.

Understanding the pattern is often the first step toward changing it.

Most couples think they’re arguing about the surface issue.

Tone. Timing. Who said what.

But often the conflict starts earlier — the moment someone risks being vulnerable.

One person reaches for closeness. The other feels exposed. Defensiveness shows up, distance grows, and suddenly it looks like a communication problem.

Underneath many of these moments is something much more human: the fear of being seen and getting hurt.

When vulnerability once led to shame, criticism, or feeling like you were too much, closeness can feel threatening even when you want it.

That’s not overreacting.
That’s protection.