Resiliency Life Counseling Services PLLC

4. Stonewalling:
Withdrawing from the relationship as a way to avoid conflict. Partners may think they are trying to be “neutral” but stonewalling conveys disapproval, icy distance, separation, disconnection, and/or smugness:
Stony silence,
Monosyllabic mutterings,
Changing the subject,
Removing yourself physically,
Silent Treatment

3. Defensiveness:
Seeing yourself as the victim
warding off a perceived attack:
- Making excuses (e.g., external circumstances beyond your control forced you to act in a certain way)
- Cross-complaining: meeting your partner’s complaint, or criticism with a complaint of your own, ignoring what your partner said
- Disagreeing and then cross-complaining “That’s not true, you’re the one who …” “I did this because you did that…”
- Yes-butting: start off agreeing but end up disagreeing
- Repeating yourself without paying attention to what the other person is saying
- Whining “It’s not fair.”

2. Contempt:
Attacking your partner’s sense of self with the intention to insult or psychologically
abuse him/her:
- Insults and name-calling: “bastard, wimp, stupid, ugly, slob, lazy…”
- Hostile humor, sarcasm or mockery
- Body language & tone of voice: sneering, rolling your eyes, curling your upper lip

John Gottman’s FOUR HORSEMEN OF THE APOCALYPSE
1. Criticism:
Attacking your partner’s personality or character, usually with the intent of making
someone right and someone wrong:
Generalizations: “you always…” “you never…”“you’re the type of person who …” “why
are you so …”