DaveCorp

I understand that Congress is working on a bailout and economic stimulus package worth an estimated $2 trillion.

In unrelated news, I've recently reorganized myself as the world's first airline-hotel-cruise line.

I'm announcing a nationwide search for a new headquarters. I will provide zero jobs to the area, and will invest thousands dollars in the local economy through grocery purchases.

Interested municipalities may submit bids immediately. Requirements include:
- No less than $1b in tax incentives
- Substantial investment in infrastructure improvements
- Easy access to high-quality Indian food

If Puerto Rico is still having trouble securing relief funds, they should consider becoming a corporation like I did. Not only will they qualify for a bail-out, but they'll see the greatest benefit from the new tax bill.