TheRealHeatherClay

So many big things have occurred in such a short time & this healing process has been such a learning journey. For those of you that know me well, you know the struggles I’ve had with custody battles, my mental health & complex PTSD, my struggle with alcoholism & the long term ripple effects as a victim of domestic violence. Navigating the policies & politics of a broken prison system & rebuilding a life in the times Covid & activated social unrest. I’ve lived through & survived many extremes in my life. My family & closest friends say I’m a “Cockroach”. I just don’t die. 🤦🏼‍♀️ I’ve learned to thrive under extreme pressures. Ive learned to navigate in the midst of psychological warfare. I’ve learned to find the calm in the storm & rise back up from the ashes. I’ve had to find who I am without my attachment to a material world & old belief systems that no longer serve me. I’ve learned to adapt without my physical or mental abilities as Ive known them. And I’ve learned to lean in to pain & grief…So, I got to see my son for the first time in 4 years. It was a full circle of reconciliation & learning that we were always connected the entire time we were apart. I have been praying for him, meditating, dancing & creating art inspired by him. For years now, Ive been breathing into my broken heart & praying for my angels to provide protection & comfort for him. Our connection was so strong that there was a wide open gaping void left behind when he was gone again. So…I danced. I played music. Put my sweats on. Ate ice cream. Watched movies. Stayed in bed & laid low. I painted. Wrote poetry. I cried & laughed at myself & cried again. Soaked in the tub with music & candle light. Did skin care & bundled up in soft clothes. I treated my grief process as if it’s a new relationship I’m building & nurturing within myself. I let it hurt & then I let it go. Like going through a break up but honoring & valuing yourself in the meantime. You see, when you’ve lost everything & you almost lose your life, the value of time spent becomes a greater guiding factor. I’ve made a commitment to making each moment count for good inspired by Love.

Lazy Sunday Beach Dayze

Part 2 cont’d… so I went to the ER & the X-ray, blood work & vitals showed to be okay. I have some anemia but not to a concerning level right now. I was told that I’ve been having episodes of panic attacks from the trauma experienced from the accident & injuries. My knee-jerk reaction was that I felt embarrassed & like maybe I’ve been over dramatic. My first instinct is to minimize, stuff down & get into “mind over matter” mode. I mean that’s what I learned to do as a child even training & competing as a top level gymnast. But after I sat with it for a moment, I realized “No. I’ve been through one hell of an ordeal. I barely escaped death & I’m still greatly impacted by a number of conflicting injuries & their limitations & pain not to mention the psycho-emotional aspect of it all. My entire system has been hijacked by this long drawn out experience & I’m still peeling back the layers to uncover it all so I can keep healing. I realize I need to slow down a little more & seek guidance with someone who can help quarterback my care & help prioritize & organize my medical journey. I realize I need to be gentle with myself & honor what’s going on. Thank God for the love & support I have to walk this path along with me. I can’t imagine going through this isolated or alone. I will set my intentions & refocus on baby steps & patience with me & the process. I wish I could be better & back to normal but that’s just not my reality. So here I am back to the lesson I always find myself face to face with & that is “acceptance, humility & patience”. This has recycled throughout my entire life & continues to be a great challenge. I once heard a great quote…
“My level of Serenity is directly equivalent to the level of Acceptance I have around the Uncertainty in my Life”. ~ Can’t Remember
I have to allow myself to be right where I’m at. There is a balance between asserting myself & doing the footwork along with being present with reality & being still enough to soften & embrace truth. I only share these embarrassing & vulnerable stories because I never know who might need to hear them, or who might be challenged with the same or a similar lesson of