ThrivePointe Indiana Counseling

Dr. Becky Kennedy writes, "Many parents see behavior as the measure of who are kids are, rather than using behavior as a clue to what our kids might need. What if we saw behavior as an expression of needs, not identity?" Once we start watching for needs, it puts a new lens on the sometimes frustrating or strange behavior we see from our kids, and gives us options to respond in ways that build connection and meet the need driving the behavior. Here’s a short list of behaviors and possible underlying needs to get you thinking. Once you know what you’re watching for, it’s time to get creative about new ways to support your child.

Behaviors & Possible Underlying Needs:

Whining, Baby Talk, or Clinginess
Need for comfort, gentle support, or close contact

Aggression
Need to discharge stress, jealousy, safety to feel difficult feelings

Meltdowns/Explosive Reactions
Needing connection before problem solving, support with emotional regulation, exhaustion

Defiance
Need for autonomy, control, predictability

Perfectionism
Needing unconditional support for help with fear of failure or rejection, protection from shame

Attention-Seeking Behavior
Need for connection, reassurance, belonging, co-regulation

Lying
Need for strong attachment messages to help with fear of disconnection and shame

Every summer, our team picks a book to read together... our own little ThrivePointe Book Club! In our August team meeting, we’ll huddle up to process the personal and professional insights and growth this book inspired.

This summer we’re reading Good Inside, by Dr. Becky Kennedy. This is a parenting book and it’s also about how we understand people, respond to distress, and show up in hard moments. We’ll share some insights with you along the way!

Seeing people as “good inside” matters because it helps us bring out the best in ourselves, our kids, and other people around us. It also helps us address tough moments in ways that strengthen relationships.

"All good decisions start with feeling secure in ourselves and in our environment, and nothing feels more secure than being recognized for the good people we truly are."