Safe Guard

We were blessed to be able to connect with this researcher to assist in this important report she's created. Over the next few weeks we will examine some of the key findings from the survey. She examines many different topics including the roles and ranks of those affected and involved, where it's occurring, who victims confide in, what gyms do in response, and how satisfied they were with the response.

It's comprehensive and worth your time to read...
https://drive.google.com/drive/folders/13uam_vwd_0VJQ95Z64XREIK8wVoG7zIK?usp=sharing
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: sexual harassment & assault in the BJJ community
It's been quite a year, ladies.
Some of you may remember a survey that was posted back in February about sexual harassment and assault in the BJJ community. Over 1500 people responded from around the world responded, and the report is finally complete. You can find the results here: https://drive.google.com/drive/folders/13uam_vwd_0VJQ95Z64XREIK8wVoG7zIK?usp=sharing
(CW: Section 2 of the report does include descriptions of sexual assault.)
Thank you so much to everyone who participated, and shared the original survey, and an **extra huge thanks** to the volunteers who reached out to help finish it.

Beginnings of abuse: Retaliation for saying “no”

Retaliation may be shown with the silent treatment or giving you less instruction/coaching. In later stages of abuse, this may include verbal outbursts or physical aggression.

Many of the other warnings sign play into this one. An abuser may be slowly pushing your boundaries and the subtle retaliation may cause you to allow abusive behavior to go a little farther next time in order to try to keep them happy. You may notice that they are giving you less instruction and/or coaching, but when you confront them on it, they may say you are being too sensitive and deny that’s what they are doing (this is gaslighting, which we will discuss soon). They may have been your number one fan at tournaments while they were building the relationship with you, but now have a list of excuses of why they can’t be there.

The later stages of verbal outbursts and physical aggression will likely start after they have successfully retaliated in the less confrontational ways. Many survivors deal with shame and guilt for allowing verbal and physical abuse and/or willingly participating in the relationship afterwards. Know that abuse is complex, you were likely pre-conditioned to respond in this way (whether in this relationship and/or past relationships), and that is a normal reaction to abnormal circumstances. It’s important to get professional help to recover from this level of abuse. Verbal, psychological, and physical abuse is never okay.

Beginnings of abuse: Pushing boundaries

They slowly push boundaries or ignore established ones. Even after saying no, they will likely try again days, weeks, or months later. They may tell you to stop being so sensitive or stop being conservative as they continue to push past a ”No.”

I’ve had some people explain away this behavior as an immature understanding of how to behave in relationships, but too often it excuses the primary tactic of a predator. Perhaps some people are modeling poor behavior learned/observed growing up. Best case scenario it’s unhealthy. Worst case scenario it’s a playbook tactic of a predator. Likely scenario - if a relationship consists of boundary pushing it’s not going to go well long term and will result in you getting hurt.

Testing boundaries is one of the first tests for a predator to determine if they are likely to be successful with abuse later. Gavin DeBeck in his book, Gift of Fear, states, “If you let someone talk you out of the word “no” you might as well wear a sign that reads, you are in charge.”

While that is a harsh reality, there is truth to it. So many times, society teaches us to be people-pleasers, which is a huge vulnerability when it comes to abuse. People with low self confidence struggle with setting boundaries. It’s also why I believe that schools need to do more to protect vulnerable groups in their school. If you are going to market jiu jitsu as a way to improve self esteem, then you need to ensure your school is a not place for predators to take advantage of that.