Silver Linings Project

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A GLIMPSE OF MY JOURNEY

I could pretty much say that I had a comfortable life. My father provided very well for our needs; my mother's faith kept our family full of love and happiness; and I get along very well with my siblings. I was an achiever in school, always at the top of my class and winning competitions here and there. I also got great jobs in multinational companies and climbed the corporate ladder very fast. People would always say I have no reasons to be depressed and to just snap out of it.

But depression is a real, mental illness. Let's put it this way - you do not tell a cancer patient to just snap out of it, or a person with diabetes that it's only in his mind. Depression can affect anyone - even person with relatively ideal circumstances. It may be caused by a combination of chemical imbalance in the brain, genetics, personality and environmental factors. The cure is a series of trial and error. But it must be done holistically.

Here's a glimpse of what I go through when depression strikes. It may have no triggers at all, or the trigger is insignificant, or it can also be so big that it prolongs the period. My depressed periods last for a week to up to 6 weeks; recent intervals are from 1 to 6 months. I can just wake up one morning and the dark cloud has set in again. It is not just a feeling of sadness, but a feeling of nothingness and despair, or a lack of feelings altogether. It is also a lack of vitality. I no longer enjoy what I used to enjoy doing. Getting out of bed and even taking a shower is a humongous task. I sleep all the time to escape my reality, and eat once a day just for the sake of saying I had eaten. I shut myself from the rest of the world; a message or a call is so hard to do especially because how do you answer a person asking how you are? There seems to be no hope and a future. Several times I wanted to end my life. The only thing that keeps me holding on is the thought of my family being hurt and scarred for life. Many nights I pray to the Lord to end my life instead, to let me die in my sleep. And each morning I wake up, disappointment would greet me.

And after the episode, the sun will shine again. I begin to live again and catch up where I left off. Stronger than ever with every recovery from every relapse. Learning a thing or two on the experience. My family, friends and people at work would know - at times when they no longer hear from me, I'm going through that phase again and needs some time off to clear my head and let the storm pass. It is a difficult ordeal not just for me but for the people around me. But there is a reason for everything, and I am positive I will live to tell my story and help others. To God be the glory!!