Embolden Psychology

She Loves Me, She Loves Me Not

From the Couples Therapy archive at

People with borderline personality disorder (BPD) tend to have major difficulties with relationships, especially with those closest to them. Their wild mood swings, angry outbursts, chronic abandonment fears, and impulsive and irrational behaviors can leave loved ones feeling helpless, abused, and off balance. Partners and family members of people with BPD often describe the relationship as an emotional roller coaster with no end in sight. You may feel like you’re at the mercy of your loved one’s BPD symptoms—trapped unless you leave the relationship or the person takes steps to get treatment. But you have more power than you think.

You can change the relationship by managing your own reactions, establishing firm limits, and improving communication between you and your loved one. There’s no magic cure but with the right treatment and support, many people with BPD can and do get better and their relationships can become more stable and rewarding. In fact, patients with the most support and stability at home tend to show improvements sooner than those whose relationships are more chaotic and insecure.

Whether it’s your partner, parent, child, sibling, friend, or other loved one with BPD, you can improve both the relationship and your own quality of life, even if the person with BPD isn’t ready to acknowledge the problem or seek treatment.

-Being in relationships with someone with BPD

Being in a romantic relationship with someone with borderline personality disorder can be stormy to say the least. Their spontaneity and the intensity of their love can draw you in, but then their destructive behavior and black-and-white thinking (either you’re “perfect,” the only one they can count on, or you’re “selfish” and never truly loved them) can push you away.

Your partner with BPD may be extremely sensitive, so small things can trigger intense reactions. You having to work late or deciding to go out with friends, for example, could trigger devastating feelings of abandonment and rapid shifts between emotional extremes. One moment they may be raging at the imagined betrayal, the next they feel despondent and isolated, even suicidal, and then they’re terrified that the relationship is over, begging you to stay.

To them, the panic and fear is real and overwhelming. But to you, the guilt and irrational behavior can feel like manipulation. You may think that you just can’t win—anything you say or do will be twisted and used against you. And you have to walk on eggshells to avoid setting them off. You might even hide what you really think or feel in order to avoid fights, but because your partner’s expectations are constantly changing, you’re never sure how to keep the peace.

In many cases, you’ll know that there’s something wrong with your loved one, but may have no idea what it is or if there is even a name for it. Recognizing it as borderline personality disorder can come as a source of both relief and hope.

-Living with a spouse or partner with BPD

Is everything always your fault? Do you feel constantly criticized and blamed for things that don’t even make sense? Does your spouse or partner accuse you of doing and saying things you didn’t do? Do you feel misunderstood whenever you try to explain or reassure them?

Someone with BPD tends to rage hardest at the person they’re closest to— YOU. That can make for an exhausting relationship. It can also create a lot of tension in the home, tension that’s hard to escape because as soon as you try to get time on your own, your partner’s fear of abandonment kicks in and another fight ensues. Trying to end a long-term relationship with someone with BPD can be even more challenging.

Whether you’re dating or married to someone with BPD, it’s important to recognize that your partner is suffering. The destructive and hurtful behaviors are a reaction to deep emotional pain. In other words, they’re not about you. When your loved one does or says something hurtful towards you, understand that the behavior is motivated by the desire to stop the pain they are experiencing; it’s rarely deliberate.

Learn all you can about BPD and any co-occurring conditions your partner may have. The more you understand, the better you’ll be able to handle relationship difficulties in constructive ways.

Your support and encouragement can make a huge difference. Help your partner explore professional treatment options and encourage them to stick with therapy.
Set boundaries on the behaviors you won’t tolerate and be firm in the repercussions for breaching them.
Practice self-care, pursue your own interests and hobbies, and build your own support network of family, friends, or a skilled therapist.
Recognize if your partner’s anger and impulsivity have become emotionally or physically abusive. There are ways to protect yourself and your family from domestic violence and abuse.

-BPD relationship cycles

A BPD relationship cycle outlines the stages some couples experience when one of them has untreated borderline personality disorder. Of course, everyone with BPD is unique, no two people behave in exactly the same way, and not everyone with BPD has difficulty maintaining healthy relationships. Your partner with BPD may also be suffering from different co-occurring disorders, which can make their behavior even harder to predict.

While there’s limited research on the BPD relationship cycle, many clinical experts recognize the patterns of behavior occurring in some (but not all) romantic relationships when one partner has BPD. Each phase can feature dramatic highs and lows and wild swings between love and hate. The duration and severity of each stage can vary depending on your partner’s specific symptoms and your own coping skills.

Stage 1: Idealization

This is the “honeymoon phase” of the relationship. Your partner is sensitive and enthusiastic, fascinated by you and your interests. They may idealize you as the perfect person or their “soul mate.” And you can’t help but be caught up in this, enjoying having someone love and admire so deeply.

Stage 2: Obsessive neediness

Your partner’s insecurities and fears of abandonment start to appear. If you pursue interests outside of the relationship or fail to respond to a text or a call, for example, it can trigger your partner’s fear of rejection. They may become hypersensitive and feel that you’re no longer interested in the relationship.

Stage 3: Provocation

Your partner craves your affection so begins to test your commitment to the relationship. They may provoke or manipulate you into arguments to gauge how much you care about them. If you fail a test, they may withdraw and withhold affection in an attempt to gain more attention from you.

Stage 4: Devaluation

The partner with BPD swings from adoring you to devaluing you in the blink of an eye. They may criticize you, your friends, your family. If black-and-white thinking or “splitting” occurs, they see you as either all good or all bad, with no middle ground. You may feel confused and hurt by these sudden swings.

Stage 5: Ending the relationship

Your partner may suddenly announce that they want to break up or simply “ghost” you and leave. To you, it may seem that it’s all coming out of nowhere.

Stage 6: Repair and recycle

Your partner may just as suddenly return and try to save the relationship. If that fails and the relationship ends, they’re like to spiral into a downward cycle of depression or self-destructive behavior. If the relationship doesn’t end—and they don’t seek treatment—the cycle will often restart again.

-Communication tips

Communication is a key part of any relationship but communicating with a borderline person can be especially challenging. People in a close relationship with a borderline adult often liken talking with their loved one to arguing with a small child. People with BPD have trouble reading body language or understanding the nonverbal content of a conversation. PD expert and author, Randi Kreger, likens it to “having ‘oral dyslexia,’ in which they hear words and sentences backwards, inside out, sideways, and devoid of context.” This can lead to very confusing communication where both the individual with BPD as well as their partner have no idea what just happened or what was actually said.

Listening to your loved one and acknowledging their feelings is one of the best ways to help someone with BPD calm down. When you appreciate how a borderline person hears you and adjust how you communicate with them, you can help diffuse the attacks and rages and build a stronger, closer relationship. Once they’re calm, you can employ these communication techniques:

Listen actively and be sympathetic. You don’t have to agree with what the person is saying to make it clear that you’re listening and sympathetic.

Focus on the emotions, not the words. The feelings of the person with BPD communicate much more than what the words they’re using. Your loved one needs validation and acknowledgement of the pain they’re struggling with.

Try to make the person with BPD feel heard. Don’t try to win the argument, or invalidate their feelings, even when what they’re saying is totally irrational.

Do your best to stay calm, even when your loved one is acting out. Defending yourself will only make your loved one angrier. Walk away if you need to give yourself time and space to cool down.

Seek to distract your loved one when emotions rise. Try exercising, sipping hot tea, listening to music, grooming a pet, painting, gardening, or completing household chores.
Talk about things other than the disorder. You and your loved one’s lives aren’t solely defined by BPD, so make the time to explore and discuss other interests.

Encourage professional help. There are different strategies in therapy used with individuals who have borderline personality disorder, including dialectical behavior, therapy, or DBT, or acceptance and commitment therapy, which is mindfulness based, or ACT. Focus in therapy for borderline personality includes emotion, regulation, skills, interpersonal, and communication, skills, coping skills, stress, reduction, anxiety, management, and mindfulness to help them stay in the present moment. All of these can be applied to a Couples format as well. Therapy for BPD can be intensive, and requires a minimum of one year of individual therapy, often accompanied by a skills group and between session support.

Read:
https://embolden.world/when-a-loved-one-has-bpd/

We are proud to now offer individual and couples therapy to the  Virginia Tech and Blacksburg community and surrounds.

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Woman’s Best Friend: On PTSD and Pups
From

A longitudinal study focused on female veterans in the US who worked with service dogs found significant positive health effects at the cellular level.  The Florida Atlantic University neuroscience research found that spending an hour per week in sessions with dogs promoted both physical and psychological well-being.

Female veterans face unique reintegration challenges that are often overlooked, and past studies have found that traditional PTSD treatments don’t always meet their needs.

Non-traditional approaches like connecting with animals can offer meaningful support.
These relationships provide emotional safety and stability, which can be especially powerful for women with PTSD.

https://www.independent.co.uk/news/health/dogs-women-ageing-health-b2846330.html?utm_campaign=picturepost

Social effectiveness requires practice.

Pitfalls include over apologizing, over -personalizing, poor eye contact, not asking for help, second-guessing, and inattention to self-care.

Read,  on interpersonal habits that  sabotage effective communication with friends, colleagues, supervisors, and partners:

https://embolden.world/11-habits-that-hijack-social-effectiveness/

Can Therapy Make You Feel Worse?
Yes…at times.

1. You're Uncovering Trauma
Therapy is a healing process. And often to heal your mind, you’ve got to go backwards and deal with some traumatic stuff that happened in your past. No matter how deep your trauma, dealing with negative events is never easy. Feeling negative emotions is difficult and yes, painful.
But ultimately dealing with these emotions will help you move forward.

2. You're Not Used To Feeling Your Feelings
Lots of people repress their emotions. It’s actually extremely common, and one of the reasons people seek out therapy. Through therapy, you learn to feel, understand, and work through negative emotions. But if you’re not used to feeling those hard feelings, if you’ve been holding back negative emotions for years, when you first start to let yourself FEEL those feelings, it's uncomfortable and often painful.

3. You're Changing
Change is hard work. And part of therapy is making positive changes in your life. But just because a change is for the best doesn’t mean it’s EASY. For example, maybe you’ve realized the relationship you’re in isn’t healthy and you need to break it off. Or maybe you’ve realized you need to set boundaries with a certain friend of family member. You find that you haven’t been expressing yourself with your partner. All of these are not easy.


4. People In Your Life Aren't Always Supportive
As you heal, some people in your life may not like you r growth and change. They’ll say they miss the old you.

While part of the therapeutic process is learning to choose yourself and make lasting, positive changes in your life, that doesn’t mean everyone around you is going to be excited for you. So, if you’ve got people in your life who see your new changes as a “betrayal” or a “negative change,” that is extremely painful and difficult. Especially when these people are who you are very close with.

5. You're Not Seeing Progress
This could happen for 2 reasons:

-Therapy Is A Process
Despite people’s desires, therapy isn’t a magic wand. Because of our complex emotions and lives, therapy takes time. In fact, according to the American Psychological Association, many people don’t see any results for at least 6-12 sessions.

So if you’re still in your therapy adjustment period and you’re questioning “is it normal to feel worse at the beginning of therapy?” take into account that therapy takes time. It’s only a few hours per month, and a lot of living happens in between.

-On top of that, therapy ebbs like waves. You may have a few months of extreme healing and progress. Then, things may plateau. But this isn’t a bad thing. Instead of rushing to see results, try to enjoy the small wins.

-You Aren't Being As Open And Honest As You Think
You only get out of therapy what you put in. If you’ve been going to therapy for months and aren’t seeing results, it may be time to reevaluate how honest you’re being in your sessions. It can be tempting to paint yourself in the best light. People are fearful of being judged, even by their therapist.

6. Therapy stirs up things that you don’t think about on a daily basis. It forces you to take a look at sadness, grief, anger, which we do not do on a daily basis in general. This can feel discomfiting.  Sometimes I hear clients say that they avoided Therapy for years because it hurts too much.

7. Fear of loss of confidentiality. It’s natural to fear imparting information that could potentially be shared with a family member, colleague, or someone that you prefer not to share personal matters with. Although mental health professionals are bound by confidentiality and privacy ethics, it’s natural to fear being vulnerable.