Healing Matters Psychotherapy

A chemical imbalance doesn't explain depression. So what does? The causes of depression are much more complex than the serotonin hypothesis suggests

We’re not born knowing our needs matter, we learn it through consistent and reliable attunement to our needs from caregivers, enough of the time. It’s possible the part of you that feels unworthy of having needs is the part that holds all the neglect you’ve experienced. That part needs recognition, validation, and compassion. That part needs to hear, over and over and over again, “your needs were not met enough of time but they should have been.”

There are three main reasons why it's important to understand what needs went unmet during childhood:

1. To understand adult relationship patterns:

Why do we communicate the way we do? Why do we have so much difficulty with physical affection? Why is it hard to accept that we are loved or wanted? Why do we always seem to end up in the same type of relationships? Why does it always seem like we give more than we get?
Why do we feel other people's needs are more important than ours? Why do we have difficulty trusting? Why does it always feel like I'm chasing others? Why does it seem like others don't like me?

2. To acknowledge and validate those wounds:

What happened to me wasn't okay.
No child deserved to go through that.
It wasn't my fault.
It was actually not too much to ask for that as a child.
Yes, in fact I did need _______.
It actually makes sense I have difficulty trusting after ______.
It actually makes sense that I put other people before me when I grew up _______.
It actually makes sense I struggle feeling loved when I always had to earn it.
It actually makes sense I struggle with physical connection since growing up ________.

3. To begin meeting unmet needs in adulthood and heal past wounds:

It is okay to ask for help, I don't have to carry it all.
It is actually pleasant to feel physical closeness.
It is okay for me to meet my partner's needs AND it is okay for me to ask my partner to meet my needs.
It is okay to receive attention.
I can say "no" and still be loved.
I can accept a "no" from others and not feel rejected.
I don't have to change into who others want me to be.
I look for safe people, not change myself so I feel safe with others.
I get to make my own choices now.
It is okay to voice my opinion/ ideas.
I can consider other people's opinions, but they don't matter more than mine.
It is okay to disappoint others.

These are just some examples of how the work is done and why it's important to explore unmet needs. They will, inevitably, show up in relationship dynamics.