The Adoptee In Me

It’s that time of year again. Happy birthday, Mom. 😇🥺

We made it through another holiday! 🎉 Good job regardless of whether you went to a party, just stayed in your PJs at home, or something inbetween! 🥰 I slept in and didn’t put real clothing on until about 4:00 pm. 😜

This reminds me… Where are my fellow INFP or INFJ peeps at? I am borderline P/J and have tested both ways 🙋🏽‍♀️ I’m home alone today and it’s making me so happy! It’s funny because many mistake me as an Extrovert due to my career and social prowess 🤣 Times like this remind me I’m a true introvert who has adapted A LOT! I’m way too happy just knowing I don’t have to speak to anyone! Love this post or leave me an 🧡 if you relate to this.

When I feel my feelings, I write to process them, honor my truth and move forward. 🧡 I dedicate this to my fellow adoptees and others who have experienced mother loss, struggling with Mother’s Day.

Mother 🤰🏼
What does this word mean to me? While this descriptor is part of my identity, sadly my relationship with this word was formed long before I gave birth. It was just a word. I had no experience with a mother that I could remember. I never had anyone to use this title with. She left a blank space on my birth certificate and in my life. No loving mom memories. No emotional mom connection. No unconditional mom love like I feel for my child. Just emptiness. Missing memories. What ifs and years of tears and wondering where she was and why she left me at the age of three.

The story never made sense to me. 🤷🏽‍♀️ I understood even less after giving birth and becoming a mother myself. I wasn’t ready, but as soon as I saw my baby’s face - and my reflection - for the first time, I was committed to doing whatever it took to protect him and be the mother I had longed for.

While I was raised by a single father who loves me, that hole in my heart was ever present. 😔 It burned deep and engulfed my thoughts. Knowing she left me as a toddler made me believe I was a defective daughter. I grew up with the deeply held feeling that I was damaged in a way that made me unlovable by the one person who was suppose to love me the most. Sadly, my feelings are not unique. These are the thoughts that many adoptees live with, often in secret. In some cases, for a lifetime. But not in this case.

It took years to understand my complex feelings about the trauma of maternal separation. Now in my 40s after years of self discovery and an intentional healing journey,

🧡 I know that I was not the problem.
🧡 I know better than to internalize her decision.
🧡 I know my value.
🧡 I know that I am not a defective daughter.
🧡 I know I am a cycle breaker.
🧡 I know I did my best to be a good mother after growing up without one.

Today, I both mourn my missing mom memories and celebrate my journey of healing and motherhood.

What does the word “mother” mean to you?

Feeling my feelings about her blank space on my birth certificate and in my life.

The people, the content, the conversations, the connections…Untangling Our Roots is an incredible experience! 👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽 🧡🔥🧡