The Morning Report

Today, on Musing Mondays! It was Hume who once said "the life of man is of no greater importance to the universe than that of an oyster." There is no doubt, no disputer, not even the hint of argumentation that oysters are of paramount importance due mostly to their delicious taste, but also to the fine pearls which they divinely produce! For Hume to liken man to the finest creation on this great Earth was praise indeed, for the bivalve mulloscs can filter up to 50 gallons of water a day, removing nitrates from the water with Olympian efficiency! The small but Herculean creatures might lack a central nervous system, but they can feel love just as deeply as any of us! Is Man only a step below the near-divinity of Oysters, or are we on par with the calcified angels? You decide!

Today, on the Morning Report! Local woman refuses to acknowledge alien threat as 'legitimate!' The female skeptic, Dianne Valaniski, age 32, stood up and walked out during weekly Extraterrestrial Defense Force meeting, much to the outrage of neighbors and family friends who had years ago babysat the petulant middle-aged non-believer! When question, Valaniski, who reportedly hates being loved, claimed "it's just so stupid! There are a million other REAL threats to be concerned about and they are worried about aliens? What about Russia? What about the economy? What about the energy crisis?! Come on!" Valaniski has recently been seen eating alone and playing pong by herself, which many expect will continue until she decides to stop hating her country! Are aliens really that dangerous, or should we be more worried about the vampire-Nazi threat Fox has been hinting at? You decide!

Today, on Nutrition Noon! Hippocrates once said "Let food be thy medicine and medicine be thy food." Ever wonder why the word 'hypocrite' looks so much like Hippocrates? It's because the old Greek physician was, himself, a hypocrite! Indeed, he ate poorly and popped herbal medicine like candy, in spite of the recommendation he often made to his patients! Still, though his actions were debaucherous, his advice was sound; eat well, and you will live well!

Today, on Musing Mondays! It was Nietzsche who said "Hope in reality is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of men." There is no doubt that the new generation of Americans are well-versed in Nietzsche's work, because this phrase has exploded among new and old alike! Everyone participates in escapism today and views political strife and issues with a resigned sense of nihilism! Yesterday, when asked about the Ukraine situation, Johnny Titchnel, 24 and recently graduated masters student of Political Science, stated "whatever. I just liked the last Captain America." Is it good that we've all just given up, or was Nietzsche off his rocker with drunken philosophy? You decide!