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The Phillie Phanatic has somehow convinced an entire city that a six foot green creature with a vacuum cleaner nose is a legitimate authority figure. This thing has spent decades committing workplace violations in broad daylight.

He bullies umpires. He harasses opposing players. He drives vehicles he absolutely should not be licensed to operate. Half the time it looks like he's one bad decision away from being banned from three counties. The craziest part is nobody stops him. If the Phanatic walked onto I-95 tomorrow and started directing traffic with a hot dog launcher, at least 40% of Philadelphia would assume he was sent by PennDOT.

And let's be honest. Deep down, every Phillies fan trusts the Phanatic more than most elected officials. The Liberty Bell could crack again, the Schuylkill could catch on fire, and a sinkhole could open in the middle of Broad Street. The Phanatic would ride onto the scene on an ATV, stare at it for six seconds, launch a hot dog into the crowd, and Philadelphia would immediately feel better.

He's not a mascot.

He's a highly unstable emotional support animal for an entire city.