Balanced.Fertility

My Dear Friend,

I know the pain. I know you look at me and probably think this was easy. Perhaps you even asked God, "Why her and not me?"

Dear friend, take heart. 

May you consider for a second that the girl you're looking at with the gift of life growing from within may have had a difficult journey too. Perhaps it came with tears, shattered dreams, and with a wait that has been longer than yours. Perhaps behind her smiles and endless belly rubs is a fear that she will lose this child too. Perhaps she lost 1, 2, 3 babies before she could even get this far. Perhaps her pregnancy comes with fears about an uncertain future. Distrust in a medical system. A pregnancy without the loving support of a spouse. A pregnancy with illness. Instability.  Lack of resources.

Dear friend,

I know you've been waiting long and that it's easy for your mind to convince you that everyone who gets pregnant is just living in a beautiful bubble of bliss but my prayer is that you see beyond the veil of comparison.

I LOVE being pregnant, BUT my psyche has been transformed because of infertility and not always in a positive way. I'm not ungrateful, but I value living my life in embodied truth, and sometimes the cost of this confronts me with fears and thoughts that I wish didn't exist. This hasn't just changed how I experience pregnancy, it has changed my entire perception of motherhood. I WILL mother my baby differently because of infertility.  I don't think of this as good or bad, it just is.

In that spirit, I also pray that when uncertainty hurts, that you are reminded that one day many years from now when your hair is gray and you look back at your life, whether you became a mother or not, your present simply, IS. Not good. Not bad. It just is.

You will smile because you had children, and you will weep because you had them.

In that same way, you will weep because you never had them BUT trust, my dear friend, that you will also smile because they never came.

-JJ⚘️

This day last year, I woke up to the start of a new cycle🩸 and the harsh realization that my 3d had failed.

This period hurt more than any other one in my 6 years of because this was also the cycle where I KNEW there was absolutely nothing else I could do to conceive on my own💔 There were no more diet changes, supplements, "experts", therapies, or lifestyle changes I could make to change my outcome. I had literally tried it all. Changed it all. Nothing worked.

🥀For the first time on this journey, I felt defeated, depressed, and like my last hope had just been blown out like the last ember on a fire. I remained this way for the remainder of winter.

🌱But then the Spring came

I found my fortitude in the place I always do✝️

I became renewed and allowed one last pump of air to fill me with just enough hope to fight one more time. This time, it felt different. I wasn't fighting for me or my hopes to be a mother anymore because if Im honest, I was still so bruised and hurt from continuous let downs over the years. This time I fought for my husband to become father.

And I'm so glad I did.

🪷The Summer came and so did my miracle 👶

I'm currently on the same day last year where I felt as barren as a desert.

I overflow in gratitude and patiently await the arrival of the that will transform me into a mother in the flesh.

*To my friends in waiting, know that I continue to weep and hope with you 🙏God bless and Merry Christmas.

I longed to give this surprise to my husband for over 6 years. In the moments where it felt impossible and like it would never happen, God remained my anchor, my hope, and my compass.

This song is special to me. It's not that He is good because He delivers. He IS GOOD because He is unyielding and present in the darkest hours. I spent years praising God for his goodness even when I couldn't see it. Today, I praise and give thanks to him for seeing us all the way through. 🙏

To my friends: You all encouraged me when I had nothing left to give. I made true friendships from strangers here. You very cautiously checked in on me during my silence these last few months, and while I felt like I wasn't ready to share this news, your words touched the very core of my heart. I'm so grateful for your love and support even when you yourselves continue this battle. Much love to you ❤️

I longed to give this surprise to my husband for over 6 years. In the moments where it felt impossible and like it would never happen, God remained my anchor, my hope, and my compass. This song is special to me. It's not that He is good because He delivers. He IS GOOD because He is unyielding and present in the darkest hours. I spent years praising God for his goodness even when I couldn't see it. Today, I praise and give thanks to him for seeing us all the way through. 🙏 To my #BalancedFertility friends: You all encouraged me when I had nothing left to give. I made true friendships from strangers here. You very cautiously checked in on me during my silence these last few months, and while I felt like I wasn't ready to share this news, your words touched the very core of my heart. I'm so grateful for your love and support even when you yourselves continue this battle. Much love to you ❤️ #TTCreel #pregnancyafterinfertility #infertilityreel #PregnancyAnnouncement #infertilityreel #infertilityhope #mamainwaiting #goodnessofgod #daddyslittlekettlebell

🎨This image is one of those art pieces that touches souls (at least mine😆).

From the second I glanced at it, I saw myself in that gestational sac.

can be so uncertain and chaotic that at any moment, you fall pray to the illusion that "there's something to be done" or like "time is running out."

While nothing ever really changes those feelings, something I started doing about 3 years into my 6 year journey was to find a place of peace where I could retreat my weary thoughts and soul.

This became a habit. So much so it became a part of my journey.

In this place of deep surrender, I envisioned myself as a and allowed myself to think of the ultimate capabilities that I could unlock if I never became a mother in this lifetime. While scary and uncomfortable, I realized this helped me have a less tighter grip on my unborn children.

🌻Slowly, over the years, I allowed myself to love my children's mother first, and from that place, I learned a valuable lesson in I never even knew I wanted to embody. I learned that these children are not my own.

I realized that if I were ever gifted the opportunity to grow and birth a living soul through me, it would be because they had been called to do so by something far greater than myself.

And so unbeknownst to me, what I was really doing was allowing myself to be open to the lessons I know I needed to learn when and IF I was ever to birth as a mother.

🦋This image speaks of my own "gestational growth".

🦋This image is me being nurtured and prepared for what's ahead.

🦋This image gives me hope and comfort in the process.

🎨I don't know who created this. I found it on Pintrest and couldn't trace it to the original artist but if they happen to see this, I hope they know how much their work has touched me & I share in case someone else needed to see this image too❤️🙏✨️

If you're currently going through a difficult and reading that made your heart twinge in discomfort or perhaps made you feel triggered, sad, or any kind of negative way: this post is for you.

You don't have to accept my invitation to welcome that thought into your awareness but if you've been at this for a while and you find yourself feeling weary, deeply hurt, angry at God, and jealous of every pregnant woman you see, I hope you reconsider.

I don't know if your journey will result in a baby that is naturally conceived or biologically yours. Even IF you are destined for motherhood, surely you must know one thing about by now: the road is uncertain. You will never know if your ends with a tomorrow or in 5-10 years from now.

The one thing that is certain is that you are LIVING now and every day you give in to worry, grief, despair, and hopelessness is a day you're not living in the present.

"What if you were never called to be a mother?" is a HARD question which is why it stings and feels like someone just poured acid over a wound BUT I promise that if you learn to sit with that question over time and conjure up an answer that feels true to you, the question will begin to sting less and less over time.

They say that "the only way out is through."

In this instance sitting with the initial sting of the question is the start of finding the peace in infertility. (YES, its actually possible).The less it stings the more you'll allow your brain to imagine the possibilities of a fulfilled and fruitful life. This doesn't mean you give up hope on or that you change your mind, it just simply gives you the recipe for "the way through" the paralyzing pain of infertility.

✨️At the core of that question there is freedom and peace NO MATTER the outcome✨️

The difficulty is silencing the fear so that you allow yourself to think through the mess. Infertility will continue to hurt BUT you'll simultaneously find the key that allows you to tap into peace.

🙏I wish you courage to leap into that question.

🙏I wish you love&kindness to embrace you as you weep through the scenarios.

-JJ🪷