Lighthouse Coaching International

When figuring out one small thing creates ripples in your entire life 🙂
My favourite takeaway: *action comes before motivation*

The drawing advice that changed my life In 2016, I received some advice that changed how I draw and who I am. This is that story.

From the earliest ages, we are programmed to believe we are responsible for the emotional states of others. “You made mom upset” or “Stop, or you’ll get your father angry” are common things we heard in childhood.

The unspoken message is our behavior is the cause of emotional states of others. We learn to be hyper vigilant to these states as children because our parents/caretakers literally mean survival for us.

As adults, we are unconsciously addicted to controlling the emotional states of those around us. Managing the emotions of other becomes a pre-occupation. For some, it becomes a borderline obsession.

Codependency creates an environment where there’s no “me” and “you.” There’s one single emotion entirely dictated by those around us. When we outsource our emotions in this way, we lose connection to the authentic self. We cannot express who we actually are because our first concern is controlling and manipulating the behaviors around us so that we can feel “good.” Of course, when we are codependent, we wouldn’t label this as control. We would call it “care.” This is the illusion we create around our own unhealthy behavior.

As we heal, we begin disappointing people. This is a non-negotiable part of the awakening process. Choosing ourselves naturally means not choosing the past patterning we used to engage in. Those closest to us feel and resist this, hardcore. This is when our programming to take on the emotional responsibility of others will be strongest. For me, this is when members of my family started saying “don’t do this to me.” Or, “well, we need you to be here because, x.” In this space, we begin the work of allowing people their own feelings to exist separate from our own. It’s when we detach with both respect and love, trusting in the need to heal our own self betrayal.

How much time do you spend managing other people’s perceptions?

What happens when you lie to your therapist? How about when you lie to your coach? And finally, what if you also lie to yourself? In coaching and in therapy, there is no judgement involved. It doesn't mean you are a bad person or a failure. As soon as you become aware of doing this, you are able to turn things around - say the truth and make it a learning experience. Certainly, there are times when you hide things because you might not feel ready to tackle certain painful issues or to go too deep. This is where your ability to express your needs and set boundaries come in - it's ok to say clearly that you are not ready yet. In any case, whenever uncomfortable or in doubt, direct, honest communication is the best way to go forward.

Why You're Lying To Your Therapist Two eye-opening studies in the new book 'Secrets and Lies in Psychotherapy' reveal we’re struggling with being truthful in therapy.