I write

Life lately...

I have been holding out-
Alone
But steadily fine (not well, just fine)....

But then grief rewired me-
My emotions become louder and more complex.
My thoughts shift from the most positive to the other extreme.
My heart is whole but it keeps on breaking every single night-
I do get happy but sometimes guilt just strikes.

But grief also taught me few precious lessons.
It taught me how much I need people,
It showed me how necessary it is to build relationships,
And most importantly it helped me realize who would stay and who would not.
And thankfully, I found few who would choose to be there.
Because if I'd be alone I would definitely crumble.
There will be no way out of this darkness if nobody's going to be the light.
And that light has to be love.

I'm always a fan quiet love-
Not too much words and even too much actions.
Instead, something subtly but deeply present...
at all times.
But now I learned how it has to be intentional as well.
As I grow old, I am awakened that people only have a short time to live;
And also, a little energy to spare.
Now going out has to be intentional, even buying things, and definitely building and keeping relationships.

And so I remember a quote from one of my favorite books, The Little Prince:
"For instance, if you come at four in the afternoon, I'll begin to be happy by three. The closer it gets to four, the happier I'll feel".

In reality it is burdensome to handle relationships (especially for me).
Adults tend to be so busy and preoccupied.
There are things we need to prioritize because it is for survival-
To exaggerate, or maybe not?
It is a life and death matter.
If we stop working, wemight literally die.
If we become present,we lose time,
and time is money,
If we lose money, again, we might literally die.
But just like the fox and the little prince, we define our own special routines-
Dates we look forward to excitedly.
Things we dream to do leisurely.
And now I appreciate how these people would make time.
How they would spend energy in planning it and most importantly pushing through.
Despite everything or anything.
It is because they intend to be present.

Low maintenance relarionships?
Very practical.
Very quite love type of thing.
But if it is not intentional-
That is insulting enough.
It is a waste of time and energy.
It is not love.

How much did grief and the sadness it brought changed me?
I have so many moments when I hate myself for the loss because partly I also blame myself.
But these people who jntentionally keeps me help me get through.
I have so many moments when I wish the world would stop.
But these people who intentionally sit beside me quietly or sometimes loudly make me realize I should keep breathing-
be still or moving- as long as I'm breathing.
I have so many moments when I try so hard to walk this dreary path alone.
But these people who intentionally remind me they love me allow me to walk with them despite of the road being lonely, scary, and obscure.

All of it doesn't end the fact that I'm hurting.
No one knows how grief would hit you anytime or anywhere.
But it make me feel less lonely.
It help me feel alive.
It teach me to strive better to keep my commitment and also feel more free to accept the love they are giving.

How much have grief destroyed me?
It didn't.
Because everytime I fall apart the Lord would send these angels (I call them)
And their mere presence heal me
every single time.
Why?
Because I know it isn't coincidental.
It isn't convenient.
It isn't something squeezed in the busy schedule and half-meant commitment.
But because it is intentional.
To these people,
thank you for the quiet love.
It is too loud that the voices in my head get muted-
And I find serenity again.
I f ind life.
I find love.

11:46pm
04.07.2026

Sometimes it still feels like I'd still see you when I wake up in the morning-
wagging your tails,
staring with those loving eyes,
making soft noises;
Sometimes I still wish to hear you bark,
or hear your footsteps on the floor,
or just hear you sneeze or sigh;
Sometimes I still wish you'd come back home
As if you just went to see the vet,
Or just had you groomed;
Sometimes I still wish that losing you wasn't true
because it still breaks my heart
Every single day;
Sometimes I still blame myself,
I still feel like I didn't deserve you,
That maybe it have been best for you
if you had a better family.

But I still remind myself that I didn't love you less,
And I will never ever regret putting my heart into it.
It is painful...
I don't know how long it'll be this heavy,
But it is always worth it.
My life has never been the same since we had you,
And it will also be never the same since we lost you.

I love you always, our god boy.
I miss you always, my love, Jury.
🐾🪽🌈

CONFESSION

it's an overwhelming river of thoughts of you
this feeling is absurd, it's all brand new
mix of emotions and imagination
lots of words that keep my hand in motion
scribbling trying to form a poem
because finally love found a home
shall i paint your face
with words i still have to retrace
for they've once lost their meanings
but became alive again in your being
shall i draw your prowess
i don't think i can express
there aint no word to match them
shall i just write an anthem
about your moves, your voice, your smile
it will only take a little while
but how do i arrange these
it's like i have to confess
the words are shuffled
i guess i already mumbled
saying a word isn't what i need
i'm giving you my heart instead

101317 6:04pm

Play the guitar and make me smile
Just for tonight
I said I'm okay
But i'm not
Don't say goodbye or good night
Watch me til i fall asleep
and catch me in my dreams
wake me up in the morning and tell me that we'll be fine
Just stay here. Stay. Again, stay.

[Repost from
October 6, 2016]