Shattered Pen

And someday, you will find that pair of arms where it is okay not to be strong.

A pair of arms where you can take your armor down. Where you can be nàkedly vulnerable. Where you can unmask your skin, shout your burdens, and release your pain. Where you can stop pretending tireless. Where you can pause in being a fighter and surrender for once. Where you can rest your tired soul. Where you don't have to hold back your tears. Where you don't have to quiet down your hurt. Where you can always show your weak spots.

And when you find it, you'll realize that a pair of arms that is meant for you will allow you to be weak but will not find you less lovable.

— Aaron Arciaga, you deserve that kind of haven.

I've always been feeling so down lately, but I couldn't say it to anyone because I know that people have their own silent battles to fight for. I choose to be alone when I'm not okay. I admit that it's hard. Nobody ever knows how much I suffer and cry alone in bed. Nobody sees how unhappy I am, and nobody has any idea how much I force myself not to give up. I often convince myself that these feelings will eventually disappear, that all my sadness will just fade at the right time, and that all the tears I've shed will just dry up. But it's just so hard to breathe sometimes. It's hard to keep lying on my bed, enduring everything that I feel because I have no other choice but to feel it. I'm so sick of it. I badly want to forget all the things and people who hurt me, but I feel like it's not going to happen. It's hard to keep going when everything feels so painful. It's hard to move forward and tell myself to forget everything that happened in the past, but the truth is, those are the reasons why I lost all my interest in life. I know it's just easy to try motivating myself, but I might be lying when I say I believe that everything will be okay. No one will ever understand. I carry a lot of pain in my chest, and I don't think that it is going to heal. Sometimes, there are just some scars that will forever be engraved on my skin.

—Shiori X

An Appreciation Letter To My Old Self:

I love you, but I'm sorry if I was a little too late to tell you this. I should have taught you to love yourself more than begging for someone to love you. I'm sorry if I was a little too late to realize the things that I should have prevented to commit before it became mistakes. Looking back to you now, I feel so disappointed for not knowing better that you were always enough.

My dearest old self, I should have not let you suffer that much. I should have took care of you and made you feel valued. I'm sorry, I took you for granted. All I want is to apologize and it's breaking me right now to think that I couldn't go back and change the past. You made me proud sweetheart, it wasn't an easy journey but still, you keep your stand on the ground and tried your very best to go on.

Sweetheart, I want you to know that it is all because of you that gives me more strength to be brave. You molded me to become wiser than before. You still makes me sad sometimes, maybe because I am still learning. Thank you for giving me lessons that will serve as my guide to find a better opportunity and a hope for myself.

Sweetheart, please forgive me for all the damages that you got... and I'm sorry if I have to leave you now behind.

— Shiori X

I'm sorry for forcing you to stay. I'm sorry for forcing you to make time for me and to give me attention. I'm sorry for forcing you to love me even when you don't want me anymore. I thought I could make you love me right. I thought if I continue holding on to you, you would learn to treat me right. But you didn't. In fact, you always make me cry. You always make me sad and always make my heart pounding with pain.

I'm so unhappy, and you never care at all. Why do you have to make me feel so alone when I'm with you? Why do you always have to make me beg for your love? I wish I could just learn to unlove you. I'm hurting so bad, yet you always have a way to hurt me even more. I'm tired—not of loving you, but I'm tired of all the sadness and pain that you're making me feel.

I thought loving you hard will make you love me better. But it wasn't enough. I was not enough. Most of the time, I just wish not to wake-up anymore. So that you would never see me again. So that my heart would stop aching. And maybe, when I'm gone, only then you would realize that I was always been there for you all along.

It makes me sad how you treated me poorly despite of loving you so selflessly. It was sad loving someone with all I have and realized that I was still not enough.

— Shiori X

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Some people will try to mess with you by giving you criticism to make you feel small. Some will actually hurt you to the extent of emotional breakdown, and they can still play as victims. But no matter how many times they try to tear you down, they could never provoke you to be cruel too. It's because they don't have the same intellect as yours.

Confuse them with the silence you show in response to their unpleasant actions. Some people might think it was cowardice or weakness, but you know it was being smart as a whip. Intelligent people don't waste their time proving themselves to someone who lacks understanding and professionalism. So you are.

Those who treat people poorly aren't well-educated. Well, some of them might be rich in knowledge but poor in kindness. Real well-educated people learn by heart; they don't use their education to step down someone who lacks it. Eventually, they say that wise men don't easily respond to rudeness, and so you are, darling.

— Shiori X

Note to self:

Allow yourself to be happy. I know how many heartbreaks you've been through and how much sadness you've been keeping in your heart lately. I know sometimes you feel like questioning your worth because you feel like you are not enough in everything. But today, I want you to know that you deserve to be happy. I want you to stop settling for less than what you deserve and start appreciating yourself more often. I want you to be the best version of yourself, not to please others but to be proud of yourself. Little by little, I hope you plant love in yourself so that you will never grow into hatred.

I want you to see your worth because, all this time, you've been treating yourself poorly. I know how kind you are to others, but please don't forget to be kind to yourself too. Know to yourself that you are precious. I want you to know that you didn't deserve all the pain that you have received and endured for a long time. Allow yourself to heal as well. Not everything is meant to be broken, and so you are. I know that it's not easy right now because, for a very long time, you used to believe that you would never be okay. That you will never be happy. But today, I want you to remind yourself that it's not too late to become a better and happier version of yourself. And one day, I hope you'll finally realize that treating and loving yourself right will make you feel more worthy.

— Shiori X