Boy Renaissance

This Friday .easy_poetry

BURDEN OF PROOF
(new poem draft 1 for all the adhders out there)

this little yellow pill’s a ship full of tiny pirates.
i wave them over and offer them a place
to bury their many gold coins
find a hole in this brain to pour it into,
fill up the cracks make this place feel richer
and a little more whole .

i peel back another piece of plastic, hold
the ni****ne gum between my gums and my teeth,
take another cold sip of fast coffee
and now i’m a little more level.

i don’t have any addictions, i’m totally
level, just ADHD, just a little hide and go seek
with a crowd of lost kids called dopamine.

i’m not very good at hide and seek, i have to say,
i stare at tiktok for two hours straight hoping i’ll find them.
ha.

the little pirates set up shop for the day,
sometimes the night, they’re pretty
good at making lost connections, mapping it all out,
people say medication is a villain like its more noble
to smile and watch myself fall apart with my thumbs up,
‘all good guys’, i’d say, my days aren’t 24 hours long, just a few
20 minute snapshots
inbetween the bouts of fog.

i thought about davy jones when i walked on the beach in cape town
the fog almost had a face, like it was a scary beautiful trip.
i wondered how demonic the weather felt before they realised it was weather.

the atheist on tiktok says the burden of proof is on the christian.
i take a vyvanse and feel the burden on me slowly lift.
i can think full thoughts, and no longer need to prove
that i’m a full human being, I can listen
to some shmo tell me i’m a slave to big pharma
and change the channel, clean out the fridge, and remember
my appointment,
mostly, i mean at least
remember to set a reminder to remember
my appointment --

this trust in doctors thing isn’t all bad, hey
i mean they did OD me on prednisone once but f**k that guy,
google review him and move on,
i have a crew of tiny little pirates now,
they’re not so bad once you get to know them.
they show me the ropes.

I can make my own connections now, like how far i’ve come,
I can map out my life into a picture of confidence (take that, fog),
I can have conversations with myself and say things like
‘I have nothing to prove’.

I can do the dishes and think ‘i don’t know about this
god thing, but i’m sure god knows about this me thing
and I have nothing to prove’,
and move on.

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I'm enjoying posting poems again. It's getting me into writing more, and cause you guys responded so well to me digging up my old poem about the soul, I thought I'd share some rough and ready pieces with you as I go. I just wrote this draft this morning. The style is inspired by Ocean Vuong. If you don't know him, check him out. Here's to all the ADHDers out there trying to find their way.

Photo by Jacob Sosnowski
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