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Willpower and shame
American culture emphasizes willpower and self-control. With the help of the first, we must suppress our primitive, impulsive and sinful minds. In countless self-help books, it is said that for this you need to learn to control yourself and become disciplined. The concept of willpower has a long history. Back in the Victorian era, Christians had to resist their vices. Two truly American values ​​are apple pie and the ability to bear unconditional responsibility for your actions.
Politicians and journalists attribute the difference in income to the presence of willpower. If a person is poor, he allegedly does not control himself, and if he made a fortune, then thanks to self-control. This is commonly believed, although the facts prove otherwise. According to a number of studies, low-income people are more productive if they have enough money to meet basic needs. But in fact, as the economic impact of the pandemic has recently shown us, the ground can slip from under everyone's feet at any moment, so survivalists are already in doubt.
We believe in the importance of willpower from an early age and learn to be ashamed and subdue our rebellious parts. We fight them to the point of submission.
One of our units is designated by this cultural imperative as a drill sergeant. He is that scathing inner critic that everyone can't stand. It shames us and tries to get rid of shameful parts (those that whisper nasty thoughts to us about people, for example, or support various addictions).
As a rule, the more you try to get rid of emotions and thoughts, the stronger they are. The fact is that parts, like people, resist when they are shamed and driven away. And even if we curb them with punitive methods, the drill sergeant begins to tyrannize us. There is no time to relax, the exiled parts (drunk, rebellious, hypersexual, etc.) use every moment of weakness to break free. You must always be on the lookout and avoid people and situations that can become triggers.
Jonathan Van Ness several times unsuccessfully tried to get rid of drug addiction in a rehabilitation center. “After reaching Step 12 and seeing how sobriety was celebrated in the clinic and in the church, I came to the conclusion that the cure is considered to be complete abstinence from use. I decided that I did not agree with this. I was trying to deal with the consequences of sexual abuse, drug addiction and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), and something in me resisted never indulging in bad habits again in my life ... I do not believe that ex-addicts do not exist. I don’t believe that addiction is a lifelong diagnosis ... If you suddenly turn off the path of sobriety or stumble once every couple of months, this is not a sentence. ”
Other versions of the 12 Step program are not so categorical, and in a circle of friends you can show your weaknesses and get support. The recommendation to surrender to the power of higher powers can cause the inner sergeant to relieve pressure or even surrender. Any approach that incentivizes the inner sergeant to drill (and shames the inner sergeant for disobedience) is no better for the inner family than real parents trying to control the child with guilt.
The foregoing does not mean that there is no place for discipline in the inner family. Everyone has parts that harm him or the system as a whole. The difference is that "I" calms the impulsive parts with love and patience, like a caring parent. And when some part gains the upper hand, at IFC they don't shame it, but monitor it by its impulses, what it lacks and how to help it.