Mentor.Me.Maria

It was an absolute pleasure to be invited to a dinner with Dr Akbar Zaidi, the executive director of IBA - one of Pakistan’s most prestigious institutions.

For me, such evenings & enriched conversations are great learning opportunities & extremely valuable.

Today marks 1 week since my cousin, only 21 years old, passed away.

He was the only child of my youngest khala.

21 years - just like every parent, she was a super busy mom too. Navigating his needs, evolving and adapting to his stages of development, loving him, cooking for him, kissing him, guiding him, praying for him, picking and dropping him and many a times … prioritising his care over her own needs etc was normal routine up until….last Monday, Sep 8th, when he just never woke up.

Rushed to the hospital he was put on the ventilator. We all flew down from every corner of the world within 24 hours. Tragically, the brain stroke during his sleep turned fatal and he breathed his last, 3 days later, at 7:35 pm on Thursday, Sep 11th with all of us by his side.

Next day, Friday, my khala lived a parent’s worst nightmare as she kissed his forehead to bid him farewell. Our baby cousin began his last journey 💔

Today, I woke up thinking how my cousin was living life to the fullest, how beautiful his smile was and like any other Karachiite - how he absolutely loved good food.

In his loving memory, and for my own healing, I decided to create something special. Roasted beetroot with extra virgin olive oil paired with blue cheese & walnuts is what ended up being created for our afternoon snack.

“My dearest choti khala … even though your world is so dark right now but I pray you’re able to see some light in the memories you have made with your child. The pain of not seeing him or hearing him is here to stay so let’s make friends with this pain. My heart is broken for you but I’m also praying for you.
Love you loads.”

I saw Aish sitting with a graceful smile next to her husband. Their son was up on the stage with his beautiful bride MA. A quick exchange of smile with his parents where he signaled his gratitude and joy.

They were no-fuss groom’s parents. Refusing to accept any extra ordinary gifts or attention even on the wedding day, they expressed gratitude to the bride’s parents for raising such a fine daughter who was now their son’s soulmate.

Excited about their son’s future, they assured the bride’s parents how they would do everything possible to make sure their daughter felt valued, respected and loved.

Seeing your son happy on his wedding day is a deeply emotional and joyous experience for most parents. It’s a priceless moment witnessing him find his life partner and embark on a new chapter.

Aish kept letting her emotions out…
You are the child of my earliest years of this incredible journey. My challenges helped me discover myself. With the precious little moments I spend with your father and through you, I expanded my capacity for love & responsibility. Spread your wings and fly high, my son. Embrace and enjoy your independence, carve your own path with your wife, live life the way you want & nurture your dreams. I will keep loving and praying for you.

“Ofcourse I love my child” !
Does this make your child feel your love?
Negative.

A child’s need for FEELING your love is built in his/her system by default. If your child doesn’t FEEL your love physically or verbally for who he/she is, they will end up doing some very hard work to feel accepted by the society. This hard work is called people pleasing.

People with people pleasing traits have low self esteem. Unfortunately, as per Psychology, people pleasing is a selfish act to satisfy one ownself.

Remember people pleasing is NOT kindness. It’s survival.

Lots of us can also flip to the other side thinking we’re overcoming people pleasing. We become rude, impolite and arrogant. Sadly, this is also a trauma response.

You need to heal before your journey becomes exhausting and sad. Please make sure your unhealed traumas aren’t being passed onto your children.

Much love,
Maria 💞