Iro Michael

Grieving the Parents You Never Had:

Not all grief is about losing someone who died.

Sometimes, the deepest grief is for the parents you never had.

The parent who made you feel safe.
The parent who listened without judgment.
The parent who protected you.
The parent who celebrated who you were instead of who they wanted you to be.
The parent who comforted you when you were hurting.

When these needs weren't consistently met, many people spend years hoping that one day their parents will change, finally understand them, or give them the love they longed for.

Accepting that this may never happen can be heartbreaking.

But it can also be the beginning of healing.

Grieving what you didn't receive allows you to stop chasing what may never come. It creates space to acknowledge the pain, understand how it shaped you, and begin meeting those unmet emotional needs in healthier ways through supportive relationships, self-compassion, and, for many, therapy.

Healing doesn't mean pretending your childhood didn't matter.

It means allowing yourself to mourn what was missing, so it no longer defines your future.

🖤🖤🖤

There is a difference between caring for someone and carrying them.

Caring is being present, offering support, and walking alongside someone through life's challenges. Carrying happens when we take responsibility for what belongs to another and make it our own.

When boundaries are absent, roles begin to blur. What is mine and what is yours becomes unclear, and responsibility quietly shifts. One person starts taking on emotional labour, decision-making, or regulation that is not theirs to hold. The other may gradually come to rely on it—not necessarily by choice, but because it is available.

Over time, resentment can build in the person who is over-giving, even when they care deeply. Dependence can develop as the other person becomes less connected to their own capacity and agency. Support turns into management, care turns into exhaustion, and the relationship can lose its sense of reciprocity. Both people may suffer: one from feeling overburdened, the other from feeling incapable, inadequate, or "too much."

Healthy boundaries do not reduce care—they clarify it. They keep responsibility where it belongs, allowing support to remain supportive rather than becoming a substitute for another person's responsibility to themselves.

🧡🧡🧡

Hyper-independence is often praised as strength, resilience, and self-sufficiency. Yet for many people, it began as a survival strategy. When support was unavailable, inconsistent, or unsafe, relying on others may have felt disappointing or even risky. Over time, needing no one became a way of protecting oneself from vulnerability. While independence can be a valuable quality, it can also become isolating when asking for help, receiving care, or depending on others feels uncomfortable. Healing is not about becoming dependent on others; it is about discovering that connection, support, and interdependence can also be safe.

💚💚💚

'Positivity' isn't what someone needs when they are in pain. Being told to 'be positive' can feel like being told to disappear. What actually helps is connection, presence and being understood.
💛💛💛