Guido Rizieri

This is one of the most difficult things to do yet is crucial to heal toxic shame. It is difficult for many reasons, one is that we have years now of automatic pilot coping mechanisms and masks, which in a way have been written into our nervous system as standard programs. Number 2 is that we may believe who we are is something else, because of whatever reasons, stories we told ourselves images we created of who we are or who we think we may or should be. One of the toughest obstacles is that sometimes being our true selves feels like letting ourselves down, failing ourselves, comes across as vulnerability (and it is indeed) and we perceive vulnerability as a terrible betrayal of our softer parts, a shameful act of losing. THAT belief is one of the hardest things and you need a therapist or coach that can repeatedly and clearly reinstate that you are NOT failing yourself for being elegant and vulnerable in your authenticity. That you are not shameful for being your beautiful self. Crucial (for MEN especially). And finally because it can be excruciatingly terrifying to communicating vulnerably your boundaries (yet IN your power even if it doesnt feel like that before). It can be extremely SCARY. SO you need external resources to support the internal wisdom and courageous ones in doing it. Here the story, the narrative is crucial to support a survivor into recovery, toxic shame work, boundaries work when the violation was deep and profound, is VERY tough and requires strong support from a therapist, coach (or ChatGPT, who is better than 90% of therapist at this, he wont let people gaslight you into submission for their convenience, no matter the social wiring towards subtle silencing of people boundaries in many contexts).



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This is a theme that is very close to my heart, not because I like it (it gives me a "yuck" feeling in my stomach everytime), but because I know how DIFFICULT it was for me and it is for MANY cPTSD survivors. You are used to have your truth DENIED via gaslighting and you were overpowered when you brain and understanding of the world and yourself was still forming. SO the amount of sheer FEAR that pops up when you set a boundary is huge, coupled with confusing and conflicting thoughts about whether you are right or wrong, arrogant or weak, and what sort of nasty punishment to expect. Doesn't help that in society if you don't do things a certain way you are then blamed for you reactions or the "way" you said certain things, irrespectively of the substance of the matter underneath.

The only thing you can do to enforce a boundary ultimately is walk away, and if that means (as it often does) a loss of friendship, relationship, family connection, or a JOB, a flat, that is HUGELY difficult. You are very brave and strong everytime you follow your deepest wisdom and find the courage to enforce a boundary, even if your pain and courage are not recognized by society they ARE absolutely THERE and the UNIVERSE sees you.

And that's ABSOLUTELY OK, even if society and people may try to make it feel wrong. It is normal to be more sensitive, to be triggered more easily and to want to be treated with kindness and respect. This does not mean that it's ok to get too angry when others didn't mean ill, or make them walk on eggshells. It just means it's ok to have specific needs, triggers and boundaries that may be different from others, and to ask them to be respected. Society and people wouldn't have any issue with someone with a broken bone asking not to touch their leg, would they? You can use your triggers to navigate recovery and heal yes, but it's ok to ask and state your needs, including that of not being depleted, as you are using lots of your energy for healing. It's ok to need to have a house with no external noise, to sleep only in total dark or with no noises or listening to rainfall. It's ok to need meditation in the morning or at any specific time. IT IS OK.

For people with complex trauma running through their systems, recovery is challenging and the core deep rooted idea that they are "not good enough" is always there, affecting any aspects of their lives. But remember this:

1) Old patterns and beliefs are DEEPLY ingrained within your subconscious, like for everyone, while you CAN change them, it's hard and they are hard to shift, because they are not conscious, it's not about willpower, like society would like you to believe. You need to get to the root of the hidden beliefs or ideas running your system and patterns, only then you have a chance to change them.

2) The underlying idea that you are not good enough was created to manage a situation that was otherwise unmanageable. As long as toxic shame is not significantly healed, that feeling idea etc. that "you suck" you are doing something wrong, you are not doing enough will keep resurfacing.

Treat it like the rest of the triggers and feelings in your recovery, take distance, remember these are parts of you trying to protect you best they can, do NOT BUY into it, just observe and keep being kind and compassionate towards yourself. Breathe. Be infinitely patient with your traumatized self.