K.Hesman Studio

One in four pregnancies end in a loss. Thinking of those who are remembering and grieving today. We are remembering our three babes. Our first baby would have been 6 months this month.

I read a post recently, and I can’t remember where. But it essentially said, we are our stories. And it is in the sharing of our stories that we truly connect with others. These babies are our stories. They were real. Some of them once had beating hearts and others didn’t get the chance. They existed, and we can and should talk about them. One in four is too often. More of us know this pain than should. You are not alone 🤍

Today and for the month of October, all proceeds from my Female Reproductive Rope Print will go towards PAIL, an organization dedicated to providing resources and support for pregnancy and infant loss. You can find this print on my website (link in bio) under Available Work > Print shop.

Yesterday was our transfer day.

It was a very emotional day, and I’m so glad to say it went well and we are hoping for the best. We are grateful to everyone that has been holding space for us throughout this process, being excited and hopeful for us in times we just didn’t feel like we could be. We have greatly appreciated the support. It has been a difficult year, and we can’t believe we’re already here. The IVF process has been truly exhausting and we’ve had to draw on strength we didn’t even know we had.

It has been an honour to share our journey with you, we have been learning so much about the IVF process and have been happy to spread some awareness. However, I’m not sure when we will feel ready to share any news about our transfer. Regardless of whether the transfer is a success, we are going to need to take time to process. After recurrent losses, even a positive test, while being a thing to celebrate, can be triggering and anxiety provoking. There are a lot of mental and emotional hurdles to overcome. If the transfer is not successful, that will be its own kind of disappointment, while we grieve our embryo and lost time/money/energy.

Thank you in advance for granting us this space and allowing us time to process. We hope we have wonderful news to share when the time comes. 🤍

(Featured is an ultrasound picture of where they put the embryo, and now we wait and hope for it to stick) 🤞🏻

Today was our baby’s due date.

We wish April could have been a different kind of month. We spent the morning reflecting on the ‘what could have beens’ and letting them go.

After our second miscarriage in January, and following all the testing and specialist appointments we had to wait for after we found out about Gideon’s Robertsonian translocation, we made the decision to try another IUI this month. On April 1st, we found out that the initial process didn’t work and we would not be doing an IUI after all. It’s difficult to open yourself up to a possibility and be shut down so hard. This rollercoaster is one of the reasons we’ve decided it was our last go at IUI. At this point, we’ll be waiting for a funded IVF cycle. If successful, the genetic testing would significantly improve our chances of transferring a viable embryo and hopefully decrease our chances of a miscarriage (at least one for chromosomal reasons). For us, this means that we won’t be having a baby this year and likely not next year either as the referral process is long, and the waitlist is longer. Expectations can be tough to let go of, but we are managing.

Throughout this process, however, we’ve made a point to keep ourselves busy and continue working towards our goals both as a couple and individually. I put off my master’s for a couple years, not wanting to have to take a leave of absence if our treatments were successful, but this past year, I made the decision that I was going to apply for Fall 2021 no matter what and that I wouldn’t put my life on hold for fertility any longer. So we’ll wait for IVF, and in the meantime, I’ll complete my MSW, we’ll work on our business (when COVID allows), and we’ll keep on doing the things that feed our souls so that when we do get to add to our family, we are so so ready.

Even though we are taking a step back, my DMs are always open to chat about my experience or hear about yours. Thanks to everyone who has sent kind words, cards, meals, or gifts in the last six months. Community is everything, and though it has looked different during this pandemic, we have felt the love. This has been a tough year, but cheers to growth and moving forward. ✨

Thanks for those who sent birthday wishes and messages. Unfortunately, I spent my birthday confirming yet another pregnancy loss. Our journey is now one of recurrent loss with no answers yet as to why. This loss was much earlier than the last, but it still stings. For those dealing with infertility, every loss or failed fertility cycle means weeks of medication, injections, appointments, etc. lost as well. Depending on medical coverage, it may also mean a significant amount of money lost as well. For Gideon and I, this loss means potentially months before we can attempt another cycle, the increased possibility of another loss, and the likelihood that we will not be having a baby this year, which is a tough pill to swallow. While it is a slight relief that IUI seems to work for us—and getting pregnant is already a huge hurdle to get past—the next hurdle is just as big and just as painful.

This account has been about art, entrepreneurship, honing my craft, and sharing it with others. But where you have art, that art is inevitably informed by the life, culture, and experiences of the artist. This is my story right now. This is the heart from which my work flows, and I think that kind of information is important to know about someone who creates. And if sharing my story helps bring about a realistic understanding of fertility and loss and helps even one person feel less alone in their own experience, that means everything to me. I hope for a time where more people feel comfortable sharing their very normal experiences and don’t feel like they have to hide something that has inevitably changed them.

A dear friend sent me this card and pin. She didn’t know about this recent loss, but the timing was impeccable. Thanks to those who worked hard to make my day special given the circumstances. It isn’t that there was nothing to celebrate. It’s very possible to feel both gratitude for life and the privilege that you have while being absolutely devastated, and it’s important to hold space for the complexity of those feelings. My dms are always open for anyone with questions about my experience or who would like to talk about their own.

Now that Christmas is over, I can post some of these beauties! They were so fun to create.

This year was pretty slow for me in terms of creating. I didn’t have a lot of energy or time. Fertility cycles were both mentally and emotionally time consuming on top of my regular job/ amidst a pandemic, and our miscarriage sent us reeling.

What a year. I don’t feel too intent on finding beauty in this year or searching out the positives. It was a tough one, I’m okay to leave it at that. Im grateful that in my grief I had a craft to pour into and a partner with an unending amount of love to give.

🥂 Cheers to a new year filled with opportunities, greater love, and a more in-depth understanding of who we are.