Path Forward Counselling

What does it mean to put on an armour of logic? Some of us grew up in environments that felt emotionally unsafe and we now may perceive threat in various human relationships. We have learned that operating from fear is the best way to keep ourselves safe. We have been so well trained in hiding and suppressing our emotions that all we know is to use an armour of logic. Just like a real armour we can put it in and use it to deflect by explaining, controlling, hurting and predicting. This can seriously get in the way of connection.
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When we are ready we can say to the part that is scared that we don’t need that armour of logic anymore. We can metaphorically take it off and put it aside by being curious, exploring and sharing our inner world with those close to us.
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This curiosity can bring the connection we are wired for. The type of connection that lets go of defensiveness, stonewalling, contempt and criticism (or as the Gottmans call the 4 horseman). This connection is based on vulnerability, transparency and openness. It may sound terrifying, however, you might be pleasantly surprised that with the right person profound healing through connection can follow.
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In attachment theory there is a principle that all behaviour has meaning. If we want to leave the door of connection open then curiously trying to understand the meaning of behaviour can be very important.
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It’s not about finding the “right” answer. It’s simply about demonstrating curiosity to what the behaviour is trying to communicate. The child that is having a tantrum, a partner that is shut down, a family member that is always criticizing these are examples of behaviours that have meaning.
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These behaviours can create a reaction within us. It we prioritize connection and get curious, we may find that below the surface the behaviour means so much more! Next time you are faced with a behaviour and want to try a different approach then try to take a breath, metaphorically step back and ask what are they trying to communicate.
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“Middle-aged men (40 to 60) die by su***de more than anyone, including young people and women (Statistics Canada, 2019)”

Men and Su***de Fact Sheet - Mental Health Commission of Canada Middle-aged men (40 to 60) die by su***de more than anyone, including young people and women (Statistics Canada, 2019). Men are often socialized not to

Accepting the uncertainty of life can provide us with a renewed sense of control and freedom. If we try to control everything in the future then we run the risk of becoming paralyzed with trying to predict that which is unknown.
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It can be terrifying sitting with the unknown. Even writing this there is a sense of “I should be able to predict”. Anxiety feeds on our intolerance of uncertainty. The irony is most of life is uncertain.
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If we look inward and start curiously reflecting on ourselves then we can begin to know ourselves. This is the process of being with ourselves in the moment. Celebrating the steps we take is the path to the outcome we need. Being too outcome focused paradoxically moves us away from achieving what we desire.
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The word therapy being attached to this horrendous practice is both infuriating and deeply saddening. Thank you Canada for making this practice illegal. My heart goes out to those that were convinced there was something “wrong” with them and they could be “fixed”. There is nothing wrong with being our beautiful selves, let love be love and humans be humans.
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Non-judgemental, authentic, curious and compassionate inquiry is so often overlooked. These are catchy terms that perhaps not many truly understand their depth.
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What does it mean to genuinely be interested in someone’s story? To query and delve deeper at times, while staying silent in others. To be actively present while proximal to another? How do we bring our humanity into interaction?
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This in my opinion is the therapists biggest tool and yet one that is brushed aside. Critics will say its not enough, I will say they’ve misunderstood the profound nature of this concept. So many layers to the healing elements of genuine curious listening. In our solution focused productive culture…when’s the last time you’ve experienced this?
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