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WHEN THE NARCISSIST CLAIMS, " I'M NOT ABUSIVE. I NEVER HIT YOU". A narcissist will often claim that they weren't abusive because their abuse was not like someone else's abuse. If they abuse you in a different way, then it's not abuse to the narc, or to clueless people who don't understand narc abuse because they've never experienced it.
So, they aren't a spouse be**er, exactly. They beat you to a pulp with words. Women aren't abusers, right? Except they are. It's not sexual abuse because you were their spouse or partner. It wasn't financial abuse because it was "our" money. It's not abuse because I was nice at times...remember?
Yet, narcissistic abusers of all stripes employ the same tactics and types of excuses and inflict misery on everyone they can.
To understand narcissistic abuse it's necessary to look at the relationship as a whole, its power structure, its history, and the effect it had on you and your kids. Overall, for instance, there were many kinds of abuse, but perhaps not every kind. There were some "good times" but, overall, it was dreadful.
Maybe there was a nice vacation. But there were also relentlessly degrading remarks, vicious name-calling, and absurd jealousy. Maybe the narcissist said they loved you, but you were constantly walking on eggshells.
A relationship with a narcissist is filled with abusive and confusing interactions that cause you overwhelming pain. That's the narcissist slapping you....not with their hand, but with their words, and the pain of that kind of abuse lasts far longer than bruises.