Three Sixty One Degree Solutions

THE DNA OF HAPPINESS

We all know that the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. And yes, in this scenario, you are the apple and your family is the tree. In order for you to design a beautiful relationship with yourself in all areas of your life, you have to deal with the tree.

Not what you wanted to hear? I get it. It’s a lot easier to pretend that your family “stuff” has been dealt with or packed away and in the past (even when it’s a mess). But what if this statement were true: “who you are in your relationship with your family is who you are (and how you show up) with everything in your life.”

That would mean everything is connected and that addressing your past is critical to your overall health and happiness.

Physical & Emotional DNA

It’s like when you go to the doctor for the first time and they ask you about your medical history. They want to know your DNA history with cancer, diabetes, heart disease, etc. so they can be aware of it and prevent it from happening to you. Of course, you will agree this is important. Having that knowledge will affect the choices you make and the way you take care of yourself.

What about your emotional DNA: the repeating patterns that have plagued your family for generations? For example, issues like money, cheating, divorce, infertility, feuding siblings, addictions, etc.? Do you think emotional DNA is passed on like physical DNA? In The Handel Method® we teach you how it IS passed on. Your lineage and family dynamics are impacting who you are in your life and the choices you make.

The fact is, we inherit our behaviors from a set of principles that we learn from our family. Yet, it’s our job to evolve what’s not working. Why? If you don’t stop your family’s patterns, they will repeat with your children and their children and their children. For example, if you hate your sister, what makes you think that your little girls are going to get along? You don’t know.

Now who’s going to break those patterns? Someone has to. How about YOU? By doing this, you will not only evolve your lineage, you’ll make a great life for yourself on the way.

So where do you start?

1) Go through your family tree (mom, dad, sisters, brother, cousins, grandparents) and rate your relationship with each person on a scale from 1-10. How much are you loving them? Respecting them? Admiring them? Do you trust them? Have you discussed things you wished were different from the past? How generous are you being with them? What do they think of you? All of that goes into the rating.

Start with one family member. For example, let’s start with that sister who averages a “6” on your scale. What are the dynamics that are at play in your relationship with her? Write this down.

2) See your own arrogance in the relationship. Where are you justifying not liking your sister? Where are you judging her? Write it down.

3) Write out how you believe you’ve ‘tried’ in the relationship. In what way? How do you defend your belief that you’ve done everything possible to make this relationship great? For example, “I’m the one who always calls” or “I’m a giver and she is a taker.”

4) What have you not forgiven? Maybe you snuck out one night when you were in high school and your sister told your parents. Is that moment stuck in your mind? It’s probably time to confess that to her and figure out what happened. You both need to tell the same story or at least know each other’s versions.

5) How do you think you’re better? Chances are there is a lot of judging going on. It’s important to recognize this. Do you think that you’re smarter, more successful, more cultured? Make a note of the ways you are comparing and coming out better (or worse) in your opinion.

6) Scan all of your other relationships in your life: friends, significant other, children, etc. and make notes on how any dynamics in those relationships remind you of the one you’re analyzing here. Is there a character trait that keeps coming up? Is this a pattern that keeps repeating in your life?

I know these are tough, vulnerable questions but they’re worth it.

We tend to think that everyone else in our families has these dysfunctional traits except us. If you listen to people talk about their family dynamics, they speak as if they are the victim of it, not a participant! What if this year, you took a more powerful approach where you could observe yourself in action as a critical player in the dynamic? That way, you reclaim the power to change what you don’t like.

The result can be extraordinary. Like a chemical reaction, one person’s behavioral changes can alter the whole dynamic of the relationship. YOU can be that change that creates a deeper connection, and a more gentle and loving holiday for everyone.

So, why do many of us avoid working on our family?

Because it isn’t easy work. Working on your family is about knowing yourself and forgiveness. We humans tend to run from the truth and don’t comfortably forgive. Most of us would rather be self-righteous, hold onto our stories, be fake about it and say we’re just too different, than deal with fixing the relationships deeply. But why this work is so important is because this is where you’ll start to change the relationship with the person in the mirror: you.

The same girl that can’t seem to hold onto a friendship or who married the wrong man is the same kid who fought with her sister or rejected her crazy mother. In order to heal that little girl and help her grow up, you need to deal with your family. Through coaching and family work, you will start to see how everything’s connected and that life is about learning lessons and evolving yourself.

It is up to us to author who we are and who we will be in our lives.

Be the one to step up and start evolving your family relationships. Handel Group offers a variety of workshops, seminars, private and group coaching experiences where we teach a proven method that has helped thousands of people design lives they love. Our flagship programs, Design Your Life Weekend and Design Your Life Telecourse, are a great place to start.

Give The Handel Method® a test run. Schedule a Consultation and find out how this type of coaching can help you design a plan of action that makes you incredibly proud and happy.

Love,
Lauren

2016: HOW’S IT GOING SO FAR?

It’s nearing the end of January, and I have one question for you: how are those New Year’s resolutions you made earlier this month? You know – the ones that sounded like – Lose weight. Eat healthy. Quit smoking. Save money. Be better. Blah blah blah. They’re so common that it’s almost a cliche! Though I’m a big proponent of self betterment, you can tell that I’m skeptical of New Year’s resolutions, and for good reason.

Those vague improvements are the top resolutions that about 50% of Americans make each year, according to The Journal of American Psychology. Unfortunately, statistics show that 85% of resolutions go caput 6 months later. There’s a reason that the gym is full in early January and empty by March! People make resolutions because it feels like the right thing to do at the time, not necessarily because they’re ready to commit to putting in the time and the consistency that lasting change requires. So often, resolutions lack a foundation of meaning and personal relevance, which is why they run out of steam. If the date on the calendar is the only thing motivating you to do something you’re reluctant to do – like give up a bad habit or make a big change you’ve been avoiding – even the most heartfelt resolutions will fall through.

But wait, you say! I really DID want to change, and I wanted to do it on Jan 1st!

Okay. I applaud your tenacity, and I offer you an option with a much higher success rate than a New Year’s resolution. It’s an integral part of The Handel Method®, which was tested at MIT and subsequently taught at NYU, Stanford Business School, Rutgers, public schools and private companies around the world. I’m suggesting you set up a system of promises and consequences.

PROMISES & CONSEQUENCES

Promises and resolutions are not the same thing. See if you can spot the not-so-subtle difference between the two:

This year I will exercise more.
Starting Jan 2, I will jog 30 minutes four times per week – even on vacation.
Whereas a resolution is vague and open-ended, a promise is concrete and goal-oriented. It’s a true commitment to yourself, and it’s backed up by whatever dream the promise is meant to bring you. Resolutions are hard to pin down, but promises are very clear and specific, outlining exactly what you will do or not do. No room for interpretations or excuses. It’s easy to tell if you break a promise, and they come with consequences you design yourself, to get you out of feeling guilty and back on track. Lastly, a promise should be public, so people who care about you can hold you accountable to them. Let’s break that down.

Why clear and specific? Listen in on your inner dialogue and you’ll hear one particular voice I like to call “the brat.” It hates specificity! It likes wiggle room and loves to negotiate. It’s very sneaky too: my boss gave me this last minute project, so I guess I can’t go to the gym this week. Do you hear the subtle brat at work here, trying to get out of a commitment? Making a promise that is clear and specific shuts up the brat. You have a lot of brainpower, and so much of it can be wasted on negotiating your way out of, rather than keeping, your most heartfelt commitments (e.g., excellence at work, intimacy with a partner, deep self love of your body). My promises streamline my mental focus and they will for you, too.

Why public? Going public with your promises is brilliant and courageous. The brat hates accountability as does another contender within your inner dialogue: “the chicken.” It’s very brave to speak up in the name of your promises and commitments! Once you go public, not only will you be more likely to keep your promise, but you will inspire those around you to fight for their dreams, too.

Consequences, huh? Consequences are the final stand against the brat and the chicken. They up the ante and help you restore integrity when you make a “bad” (non-dream) choice or let the chicken or brat win. The natural consequences of breaking your promises usually come too slowly (think smoking and cancer). We don’t pay attention to the effects of breaking our promises unless they are right in front of us – and there are statistics that prove this!

Designing perfect consequences for you that are immediate gives you the deterrent you wish you had, to keep yourself in line. For example: if you pick at your skin, you must do 100 pushups that day; if you are snappy with a co-worker, you owe them a latte and an apology note before the week’s end. Good consequences organize your brain around solving your problems and making your dreams come true. Without them, your thinking is organized around excusing yourself, feeling guilty, and staying stuck in the behavior you don’t want.

MAKE THIS YOUR YEAR.

Don’t get away with mere resolutions again this year! Don’t make non-specific promises. To be a “closer” and get your results, make really specific promises and tell everyone. You have no idea how powerful this will be. If you need help kicking into gear, our next Design Your Life Weekend in February is the perfect gateway into the change you want to see for 2016. Come see for yourself!

And if you would like more insights on this or any other aspect of The Handel Method®, schedule a free 30 minute consultation and see how this type of support can help you manage your mind, follow through on your promises, achieve your goals and design a 2016 that wildly impresses you!

Cheers,
Lauren Zander

CAREER COACHING

Need help getting a new job?

Interested in starting your own business?

Not sure what you want to do with your life?

Want to get to the next level in your business or career?

Our Career Coaching can be an extremely valuable resource for helping you achieve your goals. We will help you to dream big and discover your courage and we'll give you the tools to succeed. We will help you integrate the 361 Degree principles into your professional life by addressing and re-designing the areas that are most important: productivity, balance, risk-taking, vision, organization, work environment, relationships, communication, networking, and time management.