Gentle Coaching

Written 12/2021:
Sometimes amongst the most bitter adversity you can find a moment of beauty! I’m not a real lover of winter. The chill gets right down into my bones so easily. The dark and gray skies without the sun add to my seasonal depression. Worrying about other drivers in a snowstorm is really what “white knuckling” is all about. I like to make plans and to be on time to them so it’s hard to do that when the weather is unpredictable. Holidays are tough when you’re alone and without close family. Here is a moment of beauty that I saw in this snowstorm that raised my spirits!

My Covid-19

On Tuesday my oldest son Adam would have turned 32 years old --if he had lived. Throughout the years, my oldest daughter and I have often thought of him as our guardian angel watching over us as we go through our trials in this life.

On Wednesday the 18th at 3:30 in the morning I decided to go to the ER because I had become very sick through the night and I thought my symptoms might be Covid-19. I was scheduled for a CT scan later that day for my kidney cancer so I figured I needed to know if I was going to put others in danger and if I needed to cancel this scan. I spent four hours in the ER and conveniently they ended up doing my CT scan there. Because I did not have a fever or a dry cough (2 common symptoms in Covid-19) they checked me for all the other known flus and I tested negative for all of them. They put my info into the CDC website and were told they could not use a Covid-19 test on me because I did not meet the criteria. They then sent me home telling me to self isolate until I was feeling better. I've been getting sicker every day with a sore throat, coughing and sneezing, aches and pains and headaches and a little tightness in the chest. I waited over two hours on Thursday to talk to a TeleMed physician's assistant who again told me that it didn't sound like Covid-19 but to be sure to stay isolated and by 7 to 10 days I should be well again. These symptoms just seemed to get progressively worse over the weekend but finally last night and this morning I feel like I've turned a corner in this sickness and am finally on the mend.

Most of my life I have been heavily triggered by addiction and depression when I am sick. It's a time when I feel more alone than ever. It's a time where I really want the people who love me and I feel should be devoted to me to baby me and care for my every need. This might go back to my childhood where maybe I felt like it was the only time that I was treated special by both my parents and not just one of many (6 kids) or as the number 3 child and maybe 4th or lowest priority in the family (as my sister and younger brothers often felt more important to me -- at least to my Dad.)

There have been times that I would not have gotten through a week like this as well as I have. Sickness, isolation, constant doom and gloom from the news, rejection from persons I love most in the world. But somehow, between God, some family members, a few kind friends and church-neighbors, a loving counselor and Bishop … I have somehow gotten through without falling into deep depression. I turned the corner 2 nights ago from getting sicker and sicker each day to now feeling almost completely well again and feeling more hope again. Despite some depression, I did it with only one 2 minute incident of p**n while in the past I might have spent dozens of hours on this useless and self-destructive pass time. I got through this sickness without thoughts of su***de when that was my main go to only a few months ago in the wake of my divorce and the pain of watching my father die and the ever emotional ups and downs of the holiday seasons. I got through without constantly seeking others but instead in a healthy way reaching out and providing comfort as well as receiving support through phone calls, texts, Marco Polo and food on my doorstep.

I am not fully out of the woods with who I am and where my life is going from here as a single gay Mormon, but I do know a few things. I know I want to live! I know I cannot leave the church that I love and believe in. I know that I need love in my life and the companionship of family, good friends and neighbors by serving others and by this serving my God. I miss the sense of family that I have had most of my life but is hard to feel after divorce and both of your parents are dead. I hope to have that again somehow in my life but I do not know what form it will take. Television and movies for years has turned a tight knit group of friends into the modern day family and although I sometimes feel that sense of family at a particular gathering of friends or at a party or event like the Norhtstar Conference or even attending my weekly church meetings — without the bonds of commitment like spouse, brother, sister, father, mother, grandparent, aunt or uncle — seldom are 3 or more people really devoted to each other as portrayed by Hollywood. Family is made up of a commitment that is not easily broken that creates a bond of devotion and sacrifice and slows the ability for “flight” when the fight breaks out or when we hurt each other by stupid choices or when things get really tough in the world or our careers or financial status or other trials.

I really have no idea what my future looks like — but I know I am willing to continue to try and live it — and I will continue to try and live it ... just, "one day at a time!"