Out Dade-ed

DADE CENTENNIAL EXPOSED AS “NOT REALLY LOCAL,” RESIDENTS SAY PAPER MOSTLY USED FOR FLIES AND BONFIRES

DADE COUNTY, GA — Folks around Dade County are starting to ask a question that’s been quietly simmering for years: is the Dade Centennial actually local… or just a stack of ads with a Dade County logo slapped on it?

Turns out, the paper is owned by the Summerville News — based down in Summerville, GA — which locals say explains a lot.

“It ain’t local,” said one resident, holding a week’s worth of papers like kindling. “It’s Dade-flavored. Like a gas station BBQ sandwich.”

Most folks admit they don’t really read the paper anymore — they just collect it for practical uses.

“Best fly swatter you can get,” said a woman in Trenton. “And when the burn pile’s stubborn? One match and that thing goes up like it’s been waiting all week.”

Others say the “news” section feels more like Facebook posts printed out next to coupons.

“It’s 12 pages of ads, one story about somebody’s grandbaby, and a blurry photo of a ribbon cutting nobody attended,” said another local. “If it was any less local, it’d come with a Chattooga County return address.”

The Dade Centennial was reached for comment, but their response was reportedly placed between an ad for hearing aids and a coupon for a chiropractor in Alabama.

Most residents say they’ll keep taking the paper either way.

“Look,” one man shrugged. “I don’t need it for news. I need it for fire.”

TRENTON, GA — A local woman is reportedly thrilled and emotionally recovering after her husband finally put on his full camouflage snowsuit and retrieved the mail — a task she claims she’s been waiting on “since last Tuesday.”

Witnesses say the man had repeatedly insisted he would get the mail “once it snows enough to justify the suit,” despite only a light dusting on the ground. The wife confirmed she considered retrieving it herself but wanted to “see how long he’d commit to this bit.”

“He acted like this was a high-risk Arctic expedition,” she said. “All I wanted was the electric bill.”

The husband returned from the mailbox visibly proud, claiming the mission was “dangerous,” “slippery,” and “not something to rush into.”

Local officials say the wife is now resting, finally at peace, and considering framing the envelopes as proof that miracles still happen in Dade County.

Commissioner Don Says He’s “Prayin’ for a Blizzard” to Justify New Snow Trucks Purchase

TRENTON, GA — Dade County Commissioner Don Townsend admitted this week that he’s really hoping for a historic snowfall this winter, saying it would help justify last year’s purchase of two brand-new Ford F-150 snow plow trucks that have so far seen “no actual snow yet.”

“We didn’t buy these trucks to sit around lookin’ pretty,” Don said, standing proudly beside the spotless pickups. “We need at least one real snowstorm. Preferably something that shuts down schools, causes panic, and lets these trucks live their purpose.”

County officials confirmed the trucks have mainly been used for test drives, parades, and occasionally “just riding around to make sure they still crank.”

“If it doesn’t snow soon,” Don added, “we might start plowing gravel driveways just so taxpayers feel better.”

OUT-DADED: Trenton Transfer Station Now Owned by the Inmates Who Used to Run It

DADE COUNTY, GA — In what local officials are calling “the most Trenton thing to ever happen,” the Dade County Transfer Station has officially been purchased by the very convicts who used to work there, using money they quietly saved from years of tip jars, spare change, and people saying “keep the rest, buddy.”

According to county records, the group—now operating as “Reformed Refuse LLC”—pooled together thousands of dollars collected from grateful locals who tipped them for tossing mattresses, busted recliners, and half a barn into the dump without asking too many questions.

“We just kept puttin’ the tips in a Folgers can behind the compactor,” said one of the new owners, while standing next to a forklift that may or may not have been part of the original county equipment. “Didn’t realize we were saving up to buy the whole place.”

Residents say they aren’t surprised. “I been tipping them boys for 15 years,” said a Trenton man unloading a trailer full of mystery debris. “I reckon that’s basically a mortgage payment in Dade County.”

The new ownership has promised not to change much, except adding a bigger tip jar, a loyalty punch card, and a handwritten sign that reads: ‘Yes, we still take couches. Yes, we still look the other way.’

County commissioners released a short statement saying, “We technically no longer own the dump, but honestly it doesn’t feel any different.”

At press time, locals were already arguing over whether they should tip more now that the workers are technically their landlords.

Police Chief Steve Beaudoin pleading to arrest your mommy if you don’t vote the way he wants you to.

(Kevlar belly protector will arrive early spring)

TRENTON, GA — Residents report that several local women have begun turning noticeably pale and, in some cases, briefly blending into their surroundings after S&L Tans announced it would be closed five days a week during the winter.

Friends say the change has been gradual but alarming, with familiar faces becoming harder to spot against overcast skies and neutral-colored walls. One woman described the situation as “emotionally difficult,” noting she hadn’t seen her own ankles since November.

Local observers confirm the phenomenon is seasonal and directly correlated to reduced access to tanning beds. “We’re not saying it’s dangerous,” one resident said, “but folks are starting to look more like Casper than Cathy.”

S&L Tans management reassured the community that normal color levels should return once hours expand or spring sunlight becomes emotionally reliable again.

Case-Townsend Minimum Standards School Officially Opens Following Historic Test Score Results

Dade county Elementary will now operate under the name Case-Townsend Minimum Standards School. Administrators say the rebrand better reflects the school’s current academic goals, which are focused primarily on meeting the absolute lowest benchmarks required by the state. “We felt it was misleading to imply excellence, growth, or improvement,” one official explained, “and this name really sets appropriate expectations.”

The new mission statement emphasizes consistency over achievement, with teachers encouraged to “aim low but remain compliant.” Parents were assured that while test scores remain near the bottom statewide, students are still receiving all legally mandated instruction minutes. District leaders added that the change should reduce confusion when comparing rankings, as “no one will wonder where Case-Townsend stands anymore.”

A ribbon cutting ceremony is planned once the school successfully clears its next accountability review.

Moore Funeral Service Now Listed on Airbnb

“You’ll Rest Easy.”

TRENTON, GA — Moore Funeral Service has officially joined Airbnb, offering what the listing calls “the quietest night’s sleep in Dade County.” Locals were surprised, but not shocked, to learn the funeral home is now catering to travelers who are tired, busy, or just emotionally exhausted.

“Hotels are loud,” a Moore representative said. “We are not.”

⸻

Perfect For:

🧳 Busy Travelers
• No hallway noise
• Thick, grief-rated walls
• A silence that makes you confront your life choices

💕 Romantic Anniversary Weekends
• Double-occupancy caskets
• Mood lighting
• Quality time to reflect on love… and mortality

👯 Girls’ Night Out
• Group rooms for crashing after Jeffersons
• Soft lighting that hides poor decisions
• Everyone looks equally worn out

🦌 Hunting Season
• Early-morning coffee
• Space for camo and tall tales
• If something goes wrong, you’re already checked in

⸻

Amenities Include:
• Satin-lined “beds”
• Climate-controlled stillness
• Staff who knock very gently
• An atmosphere that’s peaceful… in an unsettling way

Guests are asked to respect the flowers, keep the existential dread to a minimum, and leave a review before questioning everything.ns

Dollar General Unveils “Trenton MeeMaw Gift Basket,” Confirms They’ve Finally Figured Out Christmas

TRENTON, GA — Just in time for the holidays, the Trenton Dollar General has announced what experts are calling “the most accurate gift ever assembled,” a pre-made MeeMaw Gift Basket designed specifically for North Georgia grandmothers who “already have everything and are tired of pretending to like candles.”

According to store management, the basket includes Virginia Slims ci******es, a truck blanket (for the seat, not the house), ibuprofen, a bottle of drugstore perfume she’s worn since the Clinton administration, and a Za Brew Coffee gift card “for mornings when the grandkids spend the night and wake up before daylight.”

“We just listened,” said a Dollar General assistant manager while cutting open a box labeled Seasonal – Miscellaneous. “Every customer kept saying, ‘I don’t know what to get MeeMaw,’ and then immediately listed all these exact items.”

The basket also reportedly comes with a rhinestone ‘G-Ma’ hat, which Dollar General says can be worn to Walmart, the doctor’s office, church parking lots, and while supervising grandchildren from a lawn chair.

Local residents have praised the basket for its practicality.

“This ain’t some fancy Bath & Body Works mess,” said one Trenton shopper. “This is a real gift.”

Dollar General confirmed the basket will be placed near the front of the store, between the Christmas candy and the emergency flashlights, and will retail for “less than you expected and more than you told your husband.”

Local Sand Mountain Witch Asks Residents to Please Stop Using Her Body Parts to Describe Cold Weather

SAND MOUNTAIN, AL — A long-time Sand Mountain witch released a politely irritated statement this week asking locals to stop saying things like “it’s colder than a witch’s tit” every time the temperature drops below 40 degrees.

“I don’t know who started it, but I would appreciate my anatomy not being the county’s official weather unit,” said the witch, who has lived quietly on Sand Mountain for decades, minding her herbs, curses, and personal boundaries. “My body parts are doing just fine. Thank you.”

According to the witch, she first noticed the phrase gaining traction at gas stations, deer camps, and courthouse steps anytime a cold front rolled through. “I’ll be minding my business stirring a pot and hear some guy at Ignles say it like it’s NOAA-certified data,” she said.

Local residents defended the saying, claiming it’s “just something folks say” and insisting no offense was meant. “I ain’t never even met a witch,” said one man in a Carhartt jacket. “Didn’t know it was a real person.”

The witch clarified that while she understands Southern traditions, she’d prefer alternatives moving forward. Acceptable replacements include “cold as all get out,” “colder than a well digger’s knees,” or simply “it’s cold.”

“If this continues,” she warned, “I’ll start describing the weather using your body parts.”

At press time, the National Weather Service confirmed it will not be switching to witch-based measurements but admitted the phrase is “uncomfortably accurate.”