Zach's Protection

Today….I am grumpy. I am tearful. I am short fused. I am trying to gather my thoughts up here with Zach before I go get William. All these huge emotions with selling our old home. Ultimately it all comes back to Zach’s loss.

I’m up here crying saying how much I miss him.

The hardest part isn’t just losing your son…
it’s losing the life that was supposed to come with him.

All the moments you imagined without even realizing—
the conversations, the milestones, the ordinary days
that were meant to feel full because he was in them.

People think grief is about what was.
But a mother grieves what never got to be.

The birthdays that won’t look the same.
The future that will always feel incomplete.
The memories that were never given the chance to exist.

And that kind of loss is quiet…
but it stretches across a lifetime.

Because when you lose a child,
you don’t just lose a person—

you lose an entire world
that was meant to unfold with them.

Holy moly I am NOT a crier….but wow. 😭 I still try and not question God, but why did he need my beautiful boy? Why so young? What I would give to not be currently waiting for William to come out of counseling to help deal with this loss! What I would give to have more time with you!!!!!!!! But it would never be enough, no parent should bury their child. 💔

I miss you Zach-a-doo

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As I head to school to pick up my youngest today on KLOVE was a text message read from a fellow listener- “last week I was taking him to basketball practice, and now he’s sick in bed from all the chemo meds.”

My heart hurts for that family. I pray that baby makes a full recovery and can go on and testify what a good God we serve!

But weirdly it also gives me thankfulness- I know in my heart Zach left us on that beach. I know in my heart he felt NONE of the horrific pain from surgery, the neurological tests that had to do, and I know he didn’t struggle with taking his last breathes on earth. I am grateful we didn’t have to watch Zach suffer from an excruciating disease.

That boy knew no bad in his life. Well, he and his brother fought a lot but I think that’s just brother things. 🤣🤷🏻‍♀️ My youngest has been watching videos of them from when he was a baby, I am so thankful I took so many pictures and videos, and it just shows the love Zach had for him. We saw three deer on our way to school today in the yard. 🥰

Keep sending us signs Zach, they help!!!!

I love you so much son, and miss you terribly.