Brigitte Ranae

Question Posed: I feel lonely but don't have the energy to get out and connect. It's just easier to spend time in solitude because I can avoid the expectations and stressors involved in relationships. I know it sounds terrible, but it's true. Solitude is not a bad thing, right?

Post the COVID pandemic, this topic has surfaced a lot. The epidemic of loneliness has been declared a public health threat. According to the CDC, "social isolation and loneliness have become widespread problems in the United States, posing a serious threat to our mental and physical health." Keep in mind, you don't have to feel lonely to suffer the consequences of isolation.

According to Harvard, "Isolation is associated with elevated risks for heart attack, stroke, chronic inflammation, depression, anxiety, perceived stress, and loneliness. People who feel lonely (disconnected from others) have been shown to have faster rates of cognitive decline than people who don't feel lonely."

The CDC reports that social isolation and loneliness have also been linked to increased risks of diabetes, depression, addiction, self-harm, suicidal ideation, dementia, and earlier death. One study shows a 70% increase in mortality for those suffering from isolation and loneliness, especially among the elderly.

Here's the thing, many of us enjoy and thrive when we prioritize a certain amount of solitude, I certainly do. But social isolation is a different story. Solitude is peaceful time spent enjoying time with yourself. Isolation is lack of companionship and connection. When we feel like no one sees us, or we do not allow others to see us (mentally or physically), then we are isolated and disconnected.

"I like being alone. I don't need anybody." Well, science and history would disagree with you on every front. Statements such as this are typically mere defense mechanisms for the inability to cope in stressful situations that may arise during social interactions. Oops, yes, I said it. I went there. In reality, most of us using such verbiage are probably experiencing social anxiety of some sort. It's okay. Let's just explore.

Some individuals are people-people. They always want to be around people. They love the energy and thrive in groups. However, some of us, naturally feel uncomfortable with too much stimulation of a bunch of people. Some have lots of friends. Some have one or two friends but they are meaningful and enriching. Both instances can be healthy.

Do "people get on my nerves" or am I just "not capable of regulating my emotions when things feel uncomfortable"? No one is responsible for my emotions. Now, don't hate me for saying this okay? If we are walking around frustrated easily, and a lot, by the actions of others, that's not a social interaction difficulty, or a problem with all the people around us. No, that's an inability to adapt, cope, and self-regulate. Ouch, but true. Keep reading.

Homework: So, where do we start to work towards well-being on the social scale? It really depends on where you are. Remember, the brain only feels comfortable doing what it's been doing over the last few months. We don't do what's healthy, we do what's familiar because those are the neural pathway options we've created through repetition in our brains. But, here are a couple of considerations:

If you are someone who DOES enjoy people but just haven't spent time connecting recently, then grab your calendar, friends and family name list, and upcoming local events page and plan something now. Don't wait. Actually, stop reading right now and get it planned! Email or text an event or play date of some sort to someone who revives your soul. And then, plan another date doing something else next month. Keep connection on the calendar. Make connection with others a priority. It's not about quantity, but rather quality, so don't worry about spending a lot of time, just make sure the time is well-spent with someone who enriches your life.

If you are someone who DOES NOT enjoy people, then you're probably already frustrated, thinking I couldn't possibly understand your reasoning behind your commitment to solitude. Smiles to you Beautiful Human; I am on your side. Social interaction can be difficult and frustrating. Just know there isn't anything wrong with you and you are not alone. We are all wired differently. Regardless if we enjoy people or not, isolation and lack of social connection is not healthy, so please just read the last couple paragraphs and I'll stop typing :-).

If connection with others is difficult, please think about this. In order for us to safely engage with others, we must first enjoy ourselves and feel good about who we are. If we are walking around in our defenses and insecurities, not loving nor feeling good about ourselves, our engagements will be limited. For interactions to be healthy, we must be healthy and our interactions must be free of criticism, judgment, and power struggles. We must be able to trust ourselves and others.

If connection feels uncomfortable or unsafe to you, there is a reason and it can be communicated through. Listen, I'm a three-time college graduate, hold many certifications, worked with thousands of people and I still talk to a therapist on occasion so my crap doesn't limit my life and relationships. I'm not just talking the talk here. The struggle is real and so am I, but I refuse to allow my familiar reactions to limit life and connections.

It is important to speak with someone who specializes in our specific needs though. Sometimes therapy gets a bad rap because we do not hire someone who specializes in the specific type of therapy we need. For instance, CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) is very helpful with social anxiety. ERT (Emotional Regulation Therapy) is very effective in supporting those with difficulty regulating their emotions. If trauma is an underlying affect of difficulties connecting socially, EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) therapy can be very helpful. Hire someone who specializes in your specific needs.

The point, we were all created for connection. Healthy relationships and interactions are a vital part of a healthy life. Too much time away from people is not solitude, it's isolation. Please don't con yourself into believing otherwise. Get connected; either with existing friends and family, engage in a local group or community activity, or with a support system that will help you learn how to connect safely with yourself and others. You deserve it and the world needs you. See you out there.

Cheers to Reducing Life's Pressures,
Brigitte

Question Posed: I'm not sure if I'm ready for the commitment necessary for change. How do I know if I'm ready or if I'll fall back into the same old patterns and stay stuck?

Great question. I hear this, or a similar version a lot. Can I type something here and you actually chew on it, absorb it, and remember it? Okay? You ready? No, you're not ready. Okay, do this first, take a deep breath...another...one more...Now, square your shoulders back, chest out, chin up...okay....now you're ready:

Listen, we are NOT ALWAYS READY FOR CHANGE! Nope, we're not. Guess what, that's perfectly okay. It's not only okay, it simply is part of human existence.

We live in a world of hyperachievement (of which I suffer to be frank), do more, more, more...get more, more, more...be more, more, more...and on, and on, and on.

NO! STOP! Just be for a little bit. Take a moment, a day, a week, heck, how about this next month, you just think about doing less. Take one thing off your plate. Just one. Try it. I double-dog-dare you!

Then, add one thing...but wait. Let me be specific, add one thing for pure enjoyment or entertainment solely for yourself. And no, I don't mean add something you "should" be doing, like exercising and eating healthy! Fine, do that if you want, but I'm talking something for pure pleasure!

I had a beautiful woman call this week overwhelmed. When I asked her about self-care and what she's doing that she enjoys...crickets, nada, nothing. She was pouring from an empty cup. We can't give what we don't have and if we don't have joy Honey, we ain't spread'n it!

Okay Beautiful Humans, here's your homework: Start with removing one thing from your plate that drains you and add one thing to your plate that lifts you up and brings you joy. Ready? GO...List what you're putting down and what you're picking up for the next 30 days. I'll put mine in the comments.

Lastly, one indicator that we are ready for change is that we start researching and planning. So here, if you think you may be ready but you're not sure. Choose one area in life or topic and just start researching it. If it turns in to planning, great, but no expectations. Just have fun researching and exploring ideas for the next couple weeks in some area you may be considering change in.

Change will come when you're ready. Until then, know this...if and when you do change some thing(s), you'll never be any more valuable than you already are right now! You were born invaluable and are still. Take some time and enjoy yourself right now. Don't wait. Do something for you now.

Ever view yourself as a tendency that feels unpleasing? Stop!