WhollyMatrimony4U

I thought my 2023 wedding season was over. (I typically pack up the officiant’s suits and ties after Halloween.) But I just received a request from a groom who’s getting married in a barn near Peoria, Ill., in JANUARY! (Say it with me now: Brrrrrr!)

My first instinct was, “I don’t want to do this.” So I responded with what I thought was an outrageous fee for my services — and he said yes! Have you ever done that, vendors? Then thought to yourself, “Dang, how much more could I have charged before they said no?” 😁

THESE were among the guests for my wedding today in rural Onarga, IL. It was sunny, but a cool and blustery day. I swear I saw the cows shivering: yeah, there was a milk shake! Believe it or not, this is not the first wedding I’ve conducted with cattle in the side yard, and I rather like it. It can make for a very moooooving experience. (I’m shameless.)

It’s not often that I leave a wedding, a day of pure joy, love and celebration, with a rotten taste in my mouth, but the events of one recent ceremony are still pi***ng me off.

The week of their Forever Day, the groom sends me a text: the mother of the bride has left her husband and run off with her boyfriend FOUR DAYS before the wedding and will not be attending.

Uh…WHAT?

I’m guessing she didn’t just hook up with her boy toy over Labor Day. She couldn’t wait ONE WEEK to break her family apart and not devastate her daughter on the biggest day of her life? I know little of their family dynamics, of course, but that seems intentionally malicious to me.

Plus, I never know what I’ll be walking into when I arrive at a wedding venue, but this news made me especially jittery. Will Mommy Dearest change her mind at the last second and arrive at the wedding with her side piece? Will she come packing heat and try to make it a shotgun wedding?

All praise to God, the wedding came off without a hitch. I thought I was particularly good, in fact. (Nerves, I’m betting.) But suspecting that some of the guests HAD to know about the situation, I made a declaration right off the top. 

“This is a day of celebration,” I told the audience. ”A day of love, the biggest day in this couple’s life. So for the next six hours or so, can we all agree that this day is all about Hector and Hortense? Agreed?”

(The names were changed to protect the innocent.)

It was certainly one of the stranger days I’ve had as a officiant. What about you, fellow wedding vendor vagabonds? What’s the weirdest situation you’ve walked into on a Wedding Day, and how did you respond?