The Bitter Bruja

CW: Schizophrenia, SUI Ideation, mention of ableist term
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A few months ago my mental health was in an incredibly rough state, I was starting to experience symptoms of Schizophrenia again for the first time in many years. I began to hear voices again, pushing me to take my life, they were persistent and I came close to su***de twice. Thankfully I had the love and support of my Husband and some incredible friends to help get me through this darkness. I also was lucky enough to have my Mentor working with my energy every night. I've shared a bit about this in a recent post, but over the last few months I've been chewing on what it has meant for me to be diagnosed as Schizophrenic, and how Spirituality has helped me transcend this diagnosis.

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For many years I didnt tell a single soul about this diagnosis, I wasn't necessarily ashamed but more so terrified of the backlash that I may experience if anyone ever found out. It wasn't really an "acceptable" mental illness, there was so much stigma around it and a lot of the people in my life would either make fun of people diagnosed with this or fear them. I eventually felt comfortable enough to talk about it, it was difficult and some folx definitely reacted in some awful ways. I've now learned how to be more open about it and have found friends that dont think I'm scary or too much for them, and that has helped so much in my healing process.

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Attempting to understand Schizophrenia from a Spiritual perspective has been what has helped me heal the most. What I personally think is that a person who is diagnosed with this mental illness (as well as many others) is navigating through life from a higher dimension, we have access to energies and entities that most people naturally dont. Of course, everyone can access higher dimensions with Spiritual awareness/mastery as well as the use of psychedelics, but some of us are just already THERE. Before colonialism people that would now be diagnosed with Schizophrenia were seen for what they really are, Healers, Medicine People, Curanderxs and Visionaries, but sadly, in modern Western civilization we've called our Healers Ill and have disconnected them from their gifts.
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When you're not using the gift that was given to you by Spirit (because let's be real, we are all gifted in some way) our gifts become our curses. I wasn't taught how to hone in my Gift, and it turned on me. Yes I was still functioning from a higher dimension, but instead of having access to my Guides and Ancestors, I was constantly being attacked by demons. It took me years to finally start to recognize that I was Gifted, that I wasn't Crazy, and that the things I was seeing and hearing were very much real. My Spiritual path has been up and down over the last few years, but I can say with confidence that it has healed me in ways that modern medicine never would have been able to. Dont get me wrong, I fully believe that modern medicine is incredibly important and has done a lot of good, but I also believe that its definitely behind when it comes to actually healing mental illness. I think that if you're trying to achieve real, deep healing, that s**t that'll change your life type of healing, you need to tackle all aspects. Therapy is important, and so is having some form of Spiritual practice. For me personally, energy work has been one of the most transformative forms of healing that I've experienced and I HIGH KEY recommend finding a Healer that you click with and trying it a few times. I'm not a Therapist, or a professional, I'm just someone that learned how to heal themselves and I want to share my knowledge.
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My Spirituality is Decolonizing, I've hid in the shadows and stayed quiet for so long because I was tired of being gaslit by people with stunted perceptions, but I'm not keeping quiet anymore. Making this post was difficult because I had those voices in the back of my mind telling me I dont know s**t about s**t, but in all actuality, I know a lot because I've lived these experiences and gotten through them. If any of yall struggle with Schizophrenia/schizoaffective disorder or any other severe mental illness, I'm always pretty open to sharing experiences or holding space if its needed.
Thanks for holding space for me always friends, your support is so much appreciated.

I havent been taking a lot of selfies these past few months (or making posts in general), because my eating disorder and dysphoria/dysmorphia have not been doing so well. Its incredibly hard to feel confident in oneself when your mental illness is telling you your worthless and hideous and all the other awful things you've been told about yourself, by other people are true, so why even bother. I am TIRED of feeling this way, I am tired of treating myself like anything less than the fu***ng GODDESS I truly am. I have been working so hard to heal these parts of myself, and in doing so, I started to see just how much this eating disorser has damaged my life. One of the main reasons I started using he**in at 13 (and then m**h at 15) was because I wanted to be thin, so so badly. Ive taken copious amounts of diet pills (some highly illegal in most countries, and very dangerous) laxatives, tried every fad diet etc etc. And in turn have harmed my body permanently. I dont deserve this pain and I am going to beat this fu***ng thing, because what I do deserve is to love myself and love this body that I have been gifted with. My body is so resilient and strong, it has carried me through some of the most painful and most beautiful parts of my life, it deserves better. The last two weeks have been brighter for me, Ive been taking a course by Black Femme Witches Brew thats been helping me connect to my power and has been teaching me how to honor myself more fully. I was finally able to take selfies again, and did a lil esque photoshoot and felt so damn FIRE doing it. I am going to work on doing readings and healing work, and posting more content, I just needed to focus on me and my healing for a while.
I am feeling so blessed right now with all that i have in my life and feel myself rising out of the darkness that Ive been in. Im getting married on the 13th of February to an INCREDIBLE human , and I am just beaming. Im also going to be getting top surgery in a few months, and I am overwhelmed with joy about it. Ive been wanting this surgery for a LONG time, and I feel like getting it is only going to improve my relationship with my body.
I AM READY. @ Portland, Oregon