When Holding it All Together Stops Working

Some endings do not break us.
They release us.

There are versions of our lives we cling to because we think they will finally make us feel chosen, safe, successful, lovable, whole.

And sometimes life says no anyway.

Not because we failed.

Because we were trying to build a future that required us to abandon ourselves in order to keep it.

The older I get, the more I understand this:

not every loss is a punishment.

Some are invitations back to ourselves.

🤍

Sometimes the moment that changes your life doesn’t look powerful at all.

Sometimes it looks like standing in Disneyland pretending everything is fine…
while your world quietly collapses behind the scenes.

I didn’t tell this story for a long time.
Partly because I was ashamed.
Partly because I was still surviving it.

But there came a point where I had to stop pretending I was safe in situations that were costing me my peace, my power, and my sense of self.

That was the beginning.

Not of perfection.
Not of some glamorous overnight transformation.

But of truth.

The truth that I could no longer abandon myself and call it love.
The truth that I was going to have to build something of my own.
The truth that I deserved a life that felt stable, honest, and fully mine.

And maybe the hardest truth of all:

Sometimes the most loving thing we can do is finally admit that something isn’t working.

Not so we can burn our lives down.
But so we can stop disappearing inside them.

If you’ve been carrying something quietly…
if something in your life isn’t adding up…
if you’ve been performing “fine” while your nervous system tells a different story—

there’s space for you here to tell the truth.

Come sit with me.
I’ll save you a seat.

I didn’t have proof that it would work.

I just knew I couldn’t keep living the way I was living.

Twenty years ago, I left my two-year-old and flew halfway across the world alone to attend a retreat in Burma.

At the time, it felt irrational.
Emotional.
Maybe even a little irresponsible to some people.

But looking back now, I can see it clearly:

That was the moment I stopped waiting for certainty and started learning how to trust myself.

Not perfectly.
Not all at once.
But honestly.

You don’t become self-trusting by thinking about it.

You become self-trusting
the moment you make a decision
without full proof.

That’s where everything starts to shift.

Not because it’s easy.
But because it’s yours.

If you’re ready to do it differently—come sit with me.

I’ll save you a seat.
X
Jul

There’s a version of your life where you’re not holding all of it.

You don’t have to get there alone.

If this seems familiar… come sit with me for a little while. I have a few sports open this week.

I’ll save you a seat. Link in bio 🩵