Merrill Daily Harold

PAID ADVERTISEMENT

🔥 NOW SERVING MERRILL & SURROUNDING COMMUNITIES! 🔥

HANK'S BACKYARD FUNERAL PYRES
"Keeping Loved Ones Close to Home... One Last Campfire at a Time."

Why spend thousands on a traditional funeral when you can celebrate a life the Merrill way?

Following the City of Merrill's newly expanded recreational fire pit ordinance, Hank's Backyard Funeral Pyres is proud to introduce a revolutionary new option in outdoor memorial experiences.

Whether your loved one enjoyed hunting, fishing, Packers football, sitting around a backyard fire, or simply saying, "Throw another log on," we'll help create a farewell your family will never forget.

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🔥 THE BASIC BACKYARD FAREWELL

• Premium seasoned hardwood
• Comfortable lawn chair seating
• Bluetooth speaker for hymns or classic rock
• Complimentary bug spray
• One ceremonial "Yep... that'll burn."

Starting at just $499

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🔥 THE NORTHWOODS VIKING PACKAGE

Everything included in the Basic Package, plus:

• Premium birch and oak firewood
• Decorative tiki torches
• Brat fry immediately following the service
• Commemorative memorial koozies

Starting at $899

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🔥 THE PLATINUM LAST CAMPFIRE EXPERIENCE

Our most popular package includes:

• Professionally stacked premium hardwood
• Sunset scheduling
• S'mores station
• Yard games for grandchildren
• Complimentary bottled water
• Personalized engraved fire poker

Starting at $1,499

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ASK ABOUT OUR ADDITIONAL SERVICES

✓ Veterans Discount

✓ Couples Package

✓ Multi-Generational Family Plan

✓ "Ashes to Ashes" Loyalty Rewards Program

✓ Premium Firewood Subscription

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MAYOR SCOTT "SOFT SERVE SCOOTER" HASSELHOFF SAYS:

"The City of Merrill encourages residents to spend more time outdoors with family and friends. Looking back... I probably should have asked one more follow-up question before approving this advertisement."

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CUSTOMER TESTIMONIALS

★★★★★

"Dad always wanted one last campfire. Hank made it happen."

— Gary, Merrill

★★★★★

"The brat fry afterward really brought everyone together."

— Barb, Merrill

★★★★★

"Beautiful setup. Comfortable chairs. Excellent fire. Potato salad needed more paprika."

— Earl, Council Grounds

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IMPORTANT LEGAL NOTICE

All memorial fire installations are carefully designed to remain within the maximum dimensions permitted under the City of Merrill recreational fire pit ordinance.

Customers requiring additional fire capacity are encouraged to ask about our Two-Fire-Pit Executive Package, featuring two fully code-compliant recreational fire pits connected by tasteful landscaping.

Appointments available daily from **8:00 a.m. until midnight**, in accordance with the City of Merrill recreational fire pit ordinance.

Questions regarding neighborhood approval should be directed to **Hilda Weisenberg on Facebook**, who has generously volunteered to monitor recreational fire activity on behalf of absolutely nobody.

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HANK'S BACKYARD FUNERAL PYRES

"Because Every Life Deserves One Last Story Around the Fire."

📞 715-555-PYRE

Open Daily
8:00 a.m. – Midnight

Skid Proof Paint Adopted by the MARC

By Colby Wailer - He knows his s**t!

This week, the MARC of Merrill announced their plan to combat the consistent issues the water park has been experiencing with number two's; aka "The Brown-Outs." For those that aren’t in the know, the MARC center has always been plagued with early shut downs, and extensive cleaning regiments due to someone always s**tting in the pool, usually as soon as it opens for the day.

To combat the persistent pooping, the Parks and Recreation staff ordered a new paint said to repel the f***s. The paint in question has been extensively tested in places like nursing homes, and even the White House (which aren’t too different from one another these days,) and the results have shown that the use of this special paint cuts down on roughly 65% of all skidmarks left behind, when tested on toilet bowls, and pet poop-scoots.

With this miraculous f***l fighting formula, the staff hopes to reduce the down time 'code Baby Ruths' bring on from 8 hours, to roughly 45 minutes. This decision comes after many long years of pleading with local pool poopers (Poolpers) to no avail, leaving our only hope in the form of experimental paint technology.

Merrill Parks and Rec hopes that with this faster turnaround, the employees will have more time to focus on life guarding, to reduce the high number of drownings that have been occurring in the boogie boarding pool.

If you plan to test the new paint’s poo repelling power, or if you have lost a third (or turd) cousin to boogie boarding in Merrill, we would love to hear about your experience and offer our condolences.