Autistic In Love Relationship Coaching Services

This is like half of what we do as dating and relationship coaches: help clients to seek out compatibility against the mixed signals of chemistry.

How Chemistry Gets Mistaken for Compatibility Why we trick ourselves into falling for the wrong partner.

Therapy heals trauma and corrects pathology. Coaching is more positively oriented. A coach does not find fault or blame; they facilitate communication and help couples to negotiate solutions. ❤️

Psyched to finally have my professional profile up and running at Heal .me

Wendy Katz Erwin | McLean, VA | Couples Relationship Coach Wendy Katz Erwin is passionate about holistic healing. Explore their profile and book an appointment on Heal.me.

The Double Empathy Problem and How It Impacts Autistic/Neurotypical (AS/NT) Relationships

Part 2: The Double Empathy Problem In Action

So if both autistic and NT people are capable of empathy and sensitivity, what goes wrong when these two people find themselves in relationship? Why can’t they connect, understand, and feel empathy for each other?

Because traditional empathy tends to follow The Golden Rule. We tend to do unto others as we want them to do unto us, based on our own feelings, experiences, and points of reference. And autistic and NT people process sensation, experience, and emotion very differently! In reality, both the autistic and the NT ARE using empathy, but our shoes don’t fit each other’s feet! We are too different for the conventional empathy strategy to work!

Here is an example: the NT partner has just lost their job and tearfully seek comfort from their autistic partner. The autistic partner sees the tears and feels the pain, so they ask themselves, “What would I need from my partner if I were in this situation?” Maybe the autistic partner decides that, if this were them, they would shut down and need space to process their grief. So they follow the Golden Rule and give their partner space.

But NTs do not think and process like autistic people. They are more likely to need their partner to listen and a hug and something to comfort them like a favorite meal or movie after such an upsetting event. But since their partner does not intuit this, they do not provide it. And the NT partner concludes that their autistic mate lacks empathy.

This happens in reverse as well. When an autistic person gets upset or melts down, they often need time and space to pull themselves together. They often react badly to being grabbed or touched in these moments and may react as if they are being restrained in this state. But the NT partner does not know this. They are asking themselves, “What would I need if I were this upset?”

Unfortunately, the answer they come up with is often comfort, listening, and a hug. You can imagine how this goes when the NT tries to apply the Golden Rule here! The autistic partner feels pushed and pressured at their most vulnerable moment. They conclude that their NT mate just “doesn’t get them” and maybe even lacks empathy.

Sound familiar?

So if traditional empathy and The Golden Rule are not going to resolve the Double Empathy Problem, what DOES work?

Look for Part 3: Applying The Platinum Rule.

Hi Everyone!

My name is Wendy Katz Erwin and I am an MSW, a Relationship Coach trained by the Relationship Coaching Institute, and, most importantly, an Autistic (AS) woman married to an amazing Neurotypical (NT) man.

Our marriage is built on a strong foundation of communication, mutual understanding, acceptance, and negotiated solutions, and I truly want to help EVERY AS/NT couple find the same bliss in their lives that I am lucky enough to experience! ❤️

My couples coaching paradigm is a unique blend of life and relationship coaching, reflective listening, and using mutual understanding to negotiate unique solutions, which meet both partners’ needs. There is no shame, blame, or taking sides in coaching! It is a positive process in which both partners’ feelings and needs are equally important.

Positive growth and change requires a willingness to bend from both partners. I am strongly against any coaching or counseling model, which requires one partner to change who they are to benefit the other. The best relationships involve two partners, who value their partner’s needs as highly as their own and are willing to meet in the middle.

AS/NT couples do experience unique communication challenges, and helping partners with differing neurotypes to understand each other fully is the mission of my life. Once understanding and empathy is achieved, solutions are usually the easy part.

I offer Zoom coaching, both audio and video to interested AS/NT couples located anywhere and offer flexible hours when needed. I offer my services on a sliding scale, since my mission is so important to me. If you are interested, please follow this page or message me for more information.