TaKeira

The craziest phenomenon is being a whole mother but feeling like you shouldn’t be celebrated because of all the ways you feel like you’ve failed your child.

These past couple of years, I’ve tried so hard to be the best mother for Bean, and some days I cry because I feel like I don’t deserve to be his mom.

I moved him across the country away from family. We’ve been homeless. I didn’t have a job and could barely afford to breathe. Now that I do have a job, I can’t attend every school event. Some days I don’t even want to get out of bed or be bothered. Some days I’m overstimulated and irritable and feel so guilty for it.

On some real…I usually try to block Mother’s Day out.

But this morning, instead of the dread I usually feel, I woke up with joy because God reminded me of the truth.

He reminded me of every way I’ve made sure we were straight. Every sacrifice I’ve made. Every hard decision that didn’t come from selfishness, but from obedience.

And the truth is, I am a mother regardless of what the circumstances looked like.

As I grow as a mother, God is growing me as a person too and making sure that his child is taken care of as I take care of his other child.

Just yesterday, I randomly thought about how I was a little sad that no one would probably give me anything for Mother’s Day. Not because I needed the acknowledgment… but it would’ve been nice. 🤷🏽‍♀️

And this morning, while I was walking into church, a friend stopped me in the parking lot and gave me a gift.
Then as soon as I got to my seat, I was handed flowers and a card.

At that very moment, the worship team was singing “He Knows My Name”. Talk about divine timing.

I just sat there in tears in disbelief and amazement, realizing how intentional God is about me.

When his daughter felt undeserving of being seen, He gave me my flowers anyway.

He reminded me that just because motherhood hasn’t looked how I imagined it would doesn’t mean I’ve failed at it.

I mean…how could I fail when He’s the one guiding me every step of the way?

And maybe that’s what He was showing me all along.

That while I’ve been so focused on raising Bean, He’s been raising me too.

Healing me through the very child He called me to nurture.

Loving on the parts of me that motherhood exposed.

Parenting His daughter while I parent His son.

So today wasn’t really about flowers.

It was about a Father making sure His child felt seen.

And when shame tried to convince me I was undeserving of celebrating, God gave me my flowers anyway. 💐🤍