Ron R Wilkinson, PhD, PC

BETTER THAN GOLD. We all know the Golden Rule: "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you". The rule's intent is to be as good to others as we are to ourselves. When it comes to implementing this rule, however, we can run into problems. We like back scratches, so we scratch the back of someone we love, for example. Now, you might say, whats the matter with that? The story that follows illustrates how the Golden Rule can go bad despite good intentions.
While I was still dating my partner of 16 years, I would wash his clothes from time to time. I had a washing machine. He didn't. His dirty clothes piled up and were washed only when necessity demanded. Very much still in the honeymoon phase of our relationship, I was glad to do this simple task. One day the subject of my washing his clothes came up. In that conversation, I learned that my washing his clothes did not mean much to him. In fact, he found it a bit too much. My feelings were hurt and he felt bad for hurting my feelings since he knew I was only trying to be helpful. But, I had asked him to be honest and he was.
In reflecting on this, I realized I was doing something that failed to have its intended effect. I was giving him something that had meaning for me, not him. If someone had washed my clothes, I would have been delighted. It was the Golden Rule at its most literal. I was " doing unto him what I would have him do unto me". Most of us are probably guilty of this. Our intent is usually to be helpful or kind. But, is it really kind if the effect is negative? So, what do we do?
Use the PLATINUM RULE instead. It's better than gold. This rule suggests that we "Do unto others as they would have us do unto them". In other words, do something that actually has meaning for the person you are doing it for. In my earlier story, leaving his clothes alone would have been the answer.
Take a moment: Reflect on what you do for those you love and care about. Are you applying the Golden Rule by doing something that you value? If so, what could you do instead that would be in keeping with the Platinum Rule? Or, are you already applying the Platinum Rule by doing something you know the other person actually appreciates and values? If so, you get a "platinum star" (I almost said gold). Is someone who loves you giving you something that you would rather they not? If so, screw up your courage and find a caring way to let them know. What might you say? Do you believe you should say anything?
The spirit of the Golden Rule is great. The Platinum Rule, however, is far superior all the way around. Platinum acts of love are always appreciated. Golden acts of love run the risk of seeming intrusive, insensitive, or even controlling.
Then there is the matter of the giver feeling appreciated. Whether we should or not, most of us like, if not expect, appreciation for the kindnesses we do for others. When we give in keeping with the Golden Rule, we run the risk of not getting the appreciation we might want since we may be giving something we desire instead of what the receiver actually values. For example, Mom organizes her adult daughter's pantry as a surprise and is surprised herself when her daughter is angry because she feels as if she is being treated like an incompetent child. After all, who would express appreciation for something they really don't really appreciate.
If you don't know what your intended receiver would consider kind or thoughtful, ask. Then listen. Trust what they tell you, even if it is something that you would never appreciate. Even if it means, leave my clothes and pantry alone!! The point after all is to do something they, not you, value. That is what giving is really all about. The Platinum Rule always enhances relationships and makes the receiver appreciate the giver even more. Always!!
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