A Message to the Conscience

Case of the Week #885

LETTER

My wife and I have been married for four years. The first years were full of happiness and love, but doubts and distrust started to arise on her part toward me—questioning if I’ve been intimate with another woman.... I have spoken to her heart in hand, and have even begged her on my knees to believe me....

She is the woman I love, and I’ve always told her so... but she doesn’t understand... telling me instead that we rushed into marriage.... to which I again tell her that what matters to me is the love I feel for her....

I will never stop trying to do everything I can to make us the beautiful couple we once were. That’s why I’m reaching out to you this way for help.

COUNSEL

Dear Friend,

We are very sorry to hear about the difficulties in your relationship. Unfortunately, many marriages go through this kind of conflict and instability, so you are definitely not alone. We congratulate you for being willing to work on your relationship rather than giving up, as many do.

Our problem in knowing how to help you is that we know nothing about how you and your wife treat each other or communicate with each other. You say that you would like to return to being a “beautiful couple” as you once were, but we don’t know if she believes, like you do, that your beginning years were beautiful, or if, on the contrary, she believes that your marriage had its problems from the very beginning.

You also say that your wife doubts your faithfulness to her. In order for her to think that, there must be times when you are not together with her and she doesn’t know where you are. Do you often get together with friends without your wife being with you? Do you go directly home from work, or do you stop along the way? When are the occasions that she thinks you have time to be unfaithful? You may be totally innocent of everything that she has imagined, but if she doesn’t know where you are, there is more cause for her to wonder.

Because you say that you are willing to do anything to make your marriage work, we recommend that you let your wife track your phone or check it periodically so that she can know where you are at all times. If you have nothing to hide, it shouldn’t matter to you.

We also recommend that you search for an organization that offers marriage counseling, possibly with groups of couples, or for just the two of you. Many larger churches have groups for couples, so that would be a good place to start. A church where there are true followers of Christ could also give you spiritual help and prove to be a blessing. Jesus Christ, God’s Son, cares about your life and your marriage, and He can lead and guide you if you let Him. We advise you to go and seek help even if your wife refuses to accompany you.

We wish you well,

Linda

Case of the Week #877

LETTER

My sister started dating a man who doesn’t share our faith.... That man gained our trust, introduced himself to our parents, and asked for my sister’s hand in marriage. Later we found out that she was pregnant.

They had disagreements... and the wedding was called off even though the invitations had already been sent out. I feel angry toward that man. He deceived all of us.

Now my sister has gotten back together with him as if nothing had happened, and she’s still living with us.... She has continued going to church, and for some strange reason I don’t want to go with her.... I don’t say anything to her because I know I’d end up yelling, and I don’t want to affect her pregnancy.... Please help me.

COUNSEL

Dear Friend,

Just reading your words causes us to feel the turmoil of conflicting emotions that you are experiencing! You passionately want to protect your family’s honor and the honor of your faith and convictions. At the same time, you fiercely love your sister and her child, and you want the best for them in spite of the fact that your sister continues to make decisions that you don’t agree with. You perceive that her man is a threat to everything that you hold dear, but you are frustrated and angry that there is nothing you can do to get rid of the threat.

In spite of your roller coaster of emotions, you love your sister and her child enough to restrain all the harsh words that you would like to be able to say to her about her past and future decisions. This is proof that, above all else, your priority is to do what is best for her and the child. You are a loving and caring sister with pure motives, in spite of your anger and frustration.

You confess that you don’t understand your reasons for not wanting to accompany your sister when she goes to church. This is likely because you don’t want anyone to think that you approve of your sister’s decisions. You have a strong desire to show that you remain true to your own convictions while remaining loyal to your sister at the same time. No wonder you are experiencing such turmoil!

Thankfully, you are a follower of Christ, so you have a resource available to you that other people don’t have. You have a close relationship with the One who understands your conflicting emotions better than anyone else ever could. That One, God our heavenly father, loves each one of us and wants to protect us from all harm, but at the same time He restrains Himself from intervening because He respects our free moral agency. Sadly, He has to watch while we make our own foolish choices and then have to suffer the consequences.

Ask God to help you to give up your need to protect your sister, your family, and your faith. Place all your concerns into His capable hands and allow Him to protect what needs protecting. Ask Him to help you show His love in every circumstance, and to give you wisdom in how to manage your emotions in a healthy way.

We wish you well,

Linda