Bumblebee Lotus

Long-ish post. Keep scrolling if you don’t wanna read it. Won’t bother me any. 🫶🏼 This one is for the people who notice me not being myself lately. Debated posting this and decided to do it anyway.

Sometimes I’m humbled by the fact I’m not a superhuman and not able to do everything. That happened to me yesterday after a great morning. Something snapped and I had a really really bad afternoon and night yesterday. Like if I’m being honest w y’all, worse than where I was when I was in my garage dreaming this business up. Why? NO FU***NG IDEA. None. I’ve racked my brain and all it has done is made my head hurt.

Fireworks are one of my favorite things and I saw 1 go off this year. I had been so excited about going downtown to see them and then my brain shifted into nope mode.

For me, nope mode is the best way to describe the insanely fast shift that happens. It will be pure excitement and then immediately shift to not giving a s**t and not wanting to even hear about it. I do not understand why or how this is a thing for me but it is and it’s a pain in the ass to live with.

Imagine sitting at a concert you wanted to see SO badly and turning your back from the entire thing and putting on noise cancelling headphones or just going and sitting in the car and waiting for it to be over with. That’s what it was like. I really went to sleep in the middle of the day and tried to sleep thru fireworks. I was mad as hell when I woke up hearing everyone around my neighborhood having a blast and letting them off cuz I didn’t want to see or hear them anymore. Literally didn’t even look out the window one time.

I don’t know what’s wrong. I’m telling myself and others that I’m overwhelmed and exhausted cuz it’s the only way I know how to say it. Idk if I even wanna know, ya know? It’s a LOT. I should prob process from of the s**t I’ve been needing to deal with but it’s been easy to push aside until now, so I haven’t wanted to.

My husband tried to wake me up today for over an hour, I didn’t move. I still don’t want to do anything but I started laundry and am now updating the internet with my issues… like I don’t like doing but feel necessary with the kind of business I have. It’s important for people to see that they’re not alone. I do not have my s**t together or myself healed. It’s a messy, long journey and hurts like hell sometimes.

I appreciate everyone who is checking in and making sure I’m ok. The love is much appreciated, cuz lord knows it’s not easy to give it to myself while under attack from my brain.

To those who read this far, thank you. I am not giving up. I want to sometimes, but not, ya know? If ya don’t know, consider yourself lucky cuz I truly don’t wish this on anyone I know… even the people I don’t like. I’m through the extremely dark thoughts part of this (Thank God) but I’m still trying to figure out where tf that came from and why it had to happen yesterday of all days.

The shop is still open today because Cody went. When I say this is a family operated business, I mean it. I’m a broken ass human and doing my best. Thank you for being here and for your support in everything I’m trying to do. It means the world to me and I can’t wait to be able to look back and know I’m not broken like this and that it was because some strangers on the internet gave a great deal of f***s about someone they didn’t know.

Still sending love to all of you, but def gotta keep some for myself today too. Being loud about mental health requires time to reset and I haven’t been giving that to myself lately. It’s just been constant go mode and I’m being forced to slow down currently. 🫶🏼