Jami Carder Coaching

I’ve aggressively worked on unlearning what I was taught about love. And I swear, I'm not using the word "aggressively" lightly!

I’ve taken courses, read books, joined support groups and earned certifications. I’ve gone to couples therapy, individual therapy and became a trauma coach and coach mentor.

I’ve become certified in healing modalities such as reflexology, Reiki, yoga and meditation.

I’ve held retreats, taught classes, participated in summits and forums.
I've written many articles on attachment theory, life patterns and conditioning.

I’ve done all of this to learn, unlearn and teach others about our love patterns. Because, as humans, we are here to love. We are hard-wired for it, whether we feel comfortable acknowledging this fact or not. It’s a necessary part of our survival. So, the more we learn about what makes love easier and more satisfying, the easier and more satisfying living becomes.

Wait…scratch that.

It’s not easy. Not one bit.

Unlearning painful love patterns and learning healthy love patterns is HARD. It’s MESSY. It’s FLAWED. It's PAINFUL.

It’s so hard, that even I still struggle with it.

Yep. The attachment theory, love pattern, self-love, empowerment pro still has her moments struggling with love.

Here’s why:

I’m human.

So, at the start of this new year, I want all who have been working their tails off on changing dysfunctional life patterns to remember this ONE thing as you continue your self-healing, self-loving, empowerment journey:

It’s OK to not be perfect at this.

It's actually expected that you will not be perfect at this. That's not the goal.

The goal is to stay on the journey...even when it sucks.

Especially when it sucks.

We are flawed, messy, beautiful creatures of habit who have these amazing brains that compensated for and helped us survive the storms we lived through.

Let’s cut our brains, and ourselves, some slack when we discover we are back in the old pattern of chasing love, or trying to change someone into who we need them to be, or trying to help someone grow when they haven’t asked for our help. Let’s cut ourselves some slack when we find ourselves emotionally reactive, feeling unlovable and defensive, putting our needs aside or taking other people’s inability to love us personally. Let’s cut ourselves some slack when we find ourselves in love with someone’s potential, or when we notice that we are waiting for them to heal so we can be loved like we need to be loved. Let’s cut ourselves some slack when we catch ourselves trying to talk someone into treating us well instead of walking away.

It’s important to show ourselves some grace in these seemingly back-sliding situations, because each time we catch ourselves back in an old pattern, we recognize it just a little bit sooner than we did the last time. We gain the courage to leave a painful relationship just a little bit sooner than we did the last time. Each go-around with the grief of a failed relationship, we bounce back just a little bitter sooner.

We gain wisdom.

Learning about patterns…where they came from, why they aren’t helpful and which ones we want…isn’t a magic bullet. We’ve had an entire lifetime of being oblivious to the skillful workings of our brains in survival mode. It's so easy to shame ourselves for not being where we feel we should be.

Let’s give our brains some time to make those new pathways. It’s messy. It’s flawed. It’s painful. It's lengthy. Did I mention painful?

Remember, we are here to love. But we have to love ourselves fully before we can figure it out how to share that with others.

Let's focus on spending the next year learning. Not perfecting. Forgiving. Not shaming. Being patient with our emerging selves and not rushing. Being curious. Not defensive.

Yes, it's hard. But you’re so worth this effort.

And so am I.

Here's to improving in love in 2024💕

Jami Carder, LLC Registered Nurse, author, essay writer, nursing advocacy, meditation teacher, trauma coaching