Redeeming Church Conflicts

Please spread the word about this resource. I am in no way affiliated---i just wish every pastor and church leader (ordained and lay) would understand and apply its content.

** An Essential Resource for All Christians Who Love, Lead, and Serve Abuse Survivors **

After reading this magnificent book by Darby Strickland (foreword by Ed Welch), I not only thanked God that its wise, biblical, and practical content would be available for all Christians to benefit from in years to come, I also sincerely thought to myself: “This is the best book I have ever read on the topic of Christians and abuse.”

To test myself, I went down to the shelves in my personal library that are packed with resources related to Christians and abuse / trauma, and I sat for hours re-reading my outlines, notes, and other marginalia in all of the best, most Christ-centered, most rigorously biblical and yet eminently accessible, books I have read over decades of study on the topic of abuse. My time spent in this review only solidified my initial inclination:

In her book, “Is It Abuse? A Biblical Guide to Identifying Domestic Abuse and Helping Victims,” Darby Strickland provides Christians and their churches with the best resource on the topic of abuse that I have ever read. I could not more highly recommend it.

If you are already versed in biblical teachings related to oppression / abuse, and if you have your own set of memories of working with abuse survivors, you may enjoy simply reading through this book in its entirety. This is well-written, well-organized, and engaging prose that elucidates rich and important content.

But if you are new to the topic of abuse and you need to step slowly into the layers of complexity associated with this heartbreaking reality, you have a trustworthy and gentle guide in Ms. Strickland. She thoroughly explains terms without losing the reader in dry, clinical definitions. She facilitates reflection on new concepts through excellent review questions. And she provides appendices, charts, and other resources for your review and use in the future—in fact, she even specifically encourages her readers to “copy and reuse” the tools in this book. What a heart of ministry!

Built on sound exegesis and wise application of Scripture in abuse situations, Darby Strickland’s book, “Is This Abuse?” is exactly the tool Christians need to stop making the devastating errors that lead to continuing abuse in Christian homes and churches.

Please. Read it. Live it. And then introduce your church leaders and friends to its content, too.

I wish with all my heart that a book on abuse and Christians was not needed, but after decades of serving as a Christian attorney and mediator, I know with complete certainty that it is.

Thank you, Darby Strickland, for this profound gift to all who despise oppression and abuse, and all who delight in the goals you have for this book—to “drive out sin and protect the vulnerable.” Amen and amen.

Tara Klena Barthel, JD MBA: Christian attorney/mediator, author of "Living the Gospel in Relationships" and coauthor of "Peacemaking Women" and "Redeeming Church Conflicts"

(This review is based on my pre-release reading of this manuscript. I received no compensation for this review. You can pre-order this book on www.amazon.com.)

“There are people in the church who have been in the church so long they have forgotten they are hypocrites.”

Sadly, unbelievers on the membership rolls of every church are the norm rather than the exception. The church is a mixture of true believers and those who may think they are believers but actually are hypocrites. (See the frightening words of this reality at Matthew 7:21-23.) These are the friends needing our greatest care, mercy, and love … they need the Gospel for the first time! Repeated denial of ones sins is clear evidence of unbelief going beyond spiritual blindness. We would expect a true believer to actually “see” their sins when mercifully confronted about them by a friend and to repent and do everything possible to change. That is clear evidence of belief and faith. Repentance and confession is the norm for a Christian. Everyday life in the kingdom is reflected by one simple character trait: humility.

I have been in too many churches where conflicts go on and on because there is no repentance, no confession, and no humility. I fear at the heart of those conflicts there are people who are unregenerate but who think they are Christians.

The Bible teaches us that sin is something that is spiritually discerned (see, for example, Romans 1:18-32), and that too often we expect people in the church to quickly change and turn from their sin when, in fact, they simply cannot because they have no ability for spiritual discernment. In many church conflicts what is most evident is a level of spiritlessness that defends sin rather than discerns it. Authors Tim Lane and Paul Tripp put this far more delicately and articulately when they say in their wonderful book How People Change:

“The average Christian defines sin by talking about behavior. Beneath the battle for behavior is another, more fundamental battle — the battle for the thoughts and motives of the heart. Everything we do is shaped and controlled by what our hearts desire. As much as we are affected by our broken world and the sins of others against us, our greatest problem is the sin that resides in our hearts. That is why the message of the gospel is that God transforms our lives by transforming our hearts. Lasting change always comes through the heart. This is one of Scriptures most thoroughly developed themes, but many of us have missed its profound implications” (pages 14-15).

I strongly believe that one of those profound implications is the fact that the heart of an unbeliever is unable to spiritually discern sin. Thus, we have no right to expect change. What we ought to do instead is prayerfully and lovingly bring our friend to the Gospel in such a way that the truth of their behavior convicts them of their inability to spiritually discern. In effect, we are saying:

“Even though you have professed Christ as your Lord and Savior you seem to be demonstrating that your passion and desire for _______________ is more important and stronger than your love and passion for Jesus Christ. Your behavior is one condemned by Christ as sin, yet you persist in it. Will you please allow me, as your friend, to help you to see the Gospel and all of its implications so that you can have the sure foundation of a real relationship with God and a real relationship with your loved ones (including me)?”

Jesus Himself spoke directly to this issue in Luke 6:

“Why do you call me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ and do not do what I say? I will show you what he is like who comes to me and hears my words and puts them into practice. He is like a man building a house, who dug down deep and laid the foundation on rock. When a flood came, the torrent struck that house but could not shake it, because it was well built. But the one who hears my words and does not put them into practice is like a man who built a house on the ground without a foundation. The moment the torrent struck that house, it collapsed and its destruction was complete” (Luke 6:46-49).

Church conflicts are like floods. Will your house, your church, stand or fall in the torrent? Does the foundation of true belief reside in every member’s heart? You will certainly know as soon as the flood of conflict hits.”

(Excerpt from Redeeming Church Conflicts by Dave Edling & Tara Barthel)

Endorsements of Redeeming Church Conflicts Dr. Bob Kellemen, Ph.D., Executive Director of the Biblical Counseling Coalition, Author of Equipping Counselors for Your Church “In my roles as a biblical counselor, pastor, seminary profess…