Poiice

I lost my mom when I was young. Too young to fully understand what death meant, but old enough to feel the weight of her absence every single day. And my dad? He didn't step up as a father. He was just there.

Now I need to talk about something I have never said out loud to anyone. Something that sits heavy on my chest every single day.

I began to ma******te when I was in Junior High School. Back then it wasn't severe. Just once in a while, the way young boys experiment and discover things about their bodies. I didn't think much of it. But when I got to Senior High School, it became something else entirely. Something I couldn't control.

I would tell myself, "This is the last time." I would pray about it, beg God to take the desire away. I would put myself to stop, go weeks without doing it, feel proud of myself. And then something would trigger me and I would start again.

I'm very sensitive to these things. To the extent that if I see a woman with the right shape passing by, I lose control completely. Even in class. Even in public. My body reacts before my mind can catch up and I have to sit there trying to hide it, trying to focus on something else, trying not to let anyone notice.

I really want to stop this act. I mean it with my whole heart. Now I'm in tertiary institution and still, I can't stop.

I remember when I had a girlfriend for a short while. During that time, I stopped completely. But when that relationship ended, I went right back to it. Even worse than before.

This thing has stolen something from me. It has stolen my confidence to approach ladies

I have thought about going to a Priest. I imagine sitting in that quiet space and letting it all out. But I don't trust anyone. Not really. My father never gave me a reason to trust the men in my life. So how do I start now? How do I bare my soul to a stranger when the one man who was supposed to be safe never was?

I just want to be free. I want to walk past a woman without my body betraying me. I want to approach a girl without that voice in my head telling me I'm not good enough. I want to look at myself in the mirror and feel proud of who I see.

Is that too much to ask?

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I played two men and still got played. Doe and I were not exclusive when I met Jay. That's the part I need you to understand first.

Jay and I were just talking. You know how it is when you meet someone new and there's that spark, that curiosity. We were getting to know each other, nothing serious yet. Then one day he just put it out there. He said, "I like you." And I thought about it, and I figured why not give him a try. So I did.

A few weeks later, somehow Jay found out about Doe. The person I was already seeing. When Jay found out, he asked me to choose between them. I refused. It wasn't that I was being difficult. I genuinely liked both of them. They each brought something different into my life. Doe understood parts of me that Jay couldn't reach. Jay made me feel things that Doe didn't. I wasn't ready to lose either one....👇🏾👇🏾👇🏾

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I’m becoming more uncomfortable in my marriage because of how much my wife shares on social media. I didn’t have any problem with that when we were dating. She liked to post our outings and shared little stories about certain things we had done together. That was okay. It wasn’t too deep, and it wasn’t too far, until we got married late last year.

These days, everything we do in the house finds its way onto her social media feed. The food she cooked that I didn’t eat. The little things I say for fun. Even when I go out and don’t come home early, she posts a story about it.

We’ve talked about it. She tells me it’s what keeps her going, and she has fun with the comments people usually share on her posts. I think she’s doing too much. What is a photo of us in bed with the caption, “When your husband sleeps when all you want is a cuddle,” doing on her timeline? And someone will comment, “Wake him up to fulfill his duties,” as if all I do is sleep in this marriage.

I don’t want her to feel like I’m taking her fun away or that I’m being too rigid since we got married. She loves to share her life, and that’s fine, but can she leave certain details out? She asks me, “What details should I leave out?” And I’m like, “Just don’t go too deep.” She asks, “What’s too deep?” And I think she should know by this time what’s too deep.

When I’m late from work, she would post a photo of her sad face and say, “How life looks when he’s gone for years and not back from work.” Should the world know your husband doesn’t come home early after work? Isn’t that too deep information to be shared on her timeline? I even want to create a fake account and one day comment, “Are you the only woman on earth who’s married?”

Everybody on her timeline knows about my life—my favorite food, what I said when I was angry, my little jokes that are not funny. I’m a whole book on her timeline that people read and share funny comments about. So I’m careful what I say or do around her because it might find its way onto her feed. When something bad happens, I have to tell her, “Don’t let your online advisers hear of this.”

How deep is too deep? I don’t know, but I see deep when I see it. How do we handle this situation so it doesn’t become an albatross in our marriage? I don’t want to be the reason she can’t do what makes her happy, but then what’s the fine line between her happiness and my unhappiness?

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Her pregnancy lasted ten months. Seven of those months were spent with her grandparents, and the last three were with me. During those three months, we truly carried the pregnancy together. I was always by her side, every day, except on Saturdays

Even before childbirth, I was possessive. After childbirth, it became worse. When men looked at her or called her, I became angry. I was violent. If I am being honest, the violence had always been there, but after the baby came, it intensified. I could not handle my insecurity. Our turned into battlefield. I fought her friends.

We were young. She was eighteen, and I was nineteen.....👇🏾👇🏾👇🏾

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Hello MAN: If you disappoint, you must appear before the council of the Brotherhood and explain why you've decided to disgrace everybody!

゚