The Riess Family Adoption

And I hope you find the people, places, and things that help you feel anchored and important

I’m glad you’re here. 🫶

💜

There’s a profound difference between forgiving mistakes made out of ignorance or weakness and excusing the intentional wickedness of a narcissistic mother who knowingly harms you. Mistakes happen in families, misunderstandings, moments of frustration or times when life’s pressures cause people to falter. But when your mother deliberately uses cruelty, manipulation or emotional abuse as tools to control or diminish you, these are conscious, repeated choices, not errors to be overlooked.

For those raised by narcissistic mothers, the pressure to forgive ‘no matter what’ often comes with strings attached; guilt, shame, or threats of withdrawal. You may have been told that forgiveness is the only path to healing, that holding onto anger makes you bitter or that family loyalty requires unconditional pardon. Yet true healing from this kind of maternal abuse involves recognising when forgiveness becomes a way to stay trapped in harmful cycles rather than liberate yourself.

Intentional harm from a narcissistic mother is never accidental, it is a weapon wielded with awareness and purpose. She knows the effect her words and actions have on you. Her manipulations are calculated, aimed at breaking down your sense of self and reinforcing her control. Forgiving such deliberate wickedness risks reopening the door to the very source of your pain, denying your right to protect your boundaries and preserve your wellbeing.

Choosing not to forgive does not mean you are unforgiving. It means you are honouring your worth and setting sacred boundaries where they are needed most, especially with the maternal figure who should have been your protector but instead was your oppressor. Distance, denial of reconciliation or refusal to offer pardon are acts of self-preservation, not malice.

Survivors of narcissistic mothers can heal and find peace without extending forgiveness that “softens” intentional cruelty. Healing means reclaiming your story on your terms, not rewriting it to accommodate someone who repeatedly chose harm. You don’t owe a narcissistic mother forgiveness as a condition for your freedom; your peace is not conditional on her willingness to change or atone.

Your refusal to forgive intentional wickedness is an act of courage and profound self-respect. It signals a refusal to be complicit in your own harm and a commitment to protect your heart from further betrayal. You can honour your pain, validate your experience and choose a path forward that centres your safety and emotional autonomy.

Some mothers knowingly inflicted damage; your refusal to forgive them doesn’t make you unkind, it makes you free.

I wrote an article about this exact topic. I hope anyone out there who is holding a 'secret' like this will read this and decide to do the right thing as a parent. Everyone has a right to know the truth about their genetic origins, and there is no justification for keeping this information a secret -- ever. Equally important is the way the parents handle the aftermath. Failing to express genuine remorse without conditions, lying, shifting blame, and not holding yourself accountable can easily lead to estrangement. Do the right thing for your children, and be honest with them. This is NOT your adult child's burden to carry, it is your own.

Please read what Right to Know has written because it's so important. Here is my post, too:
https://theriessfamily.com/2024/10/10/adoption-disclosure/

Parents' choices ripple through their children's lives—especially in the world of adoption, assisted reproduction, and NPEs. When the truth comes to light, it’s vital for parents to step up, put their adult child’s needs first, and truly be there for them.

Navigating a DNA surprise is emotional and overwhelming. A real parent listens, supports, and prioritizes the person most affected—their child—over their own guilt or pain.


💔 Share your story. Call 323-TALK-MPE or visit www.RightToKnow.us for resources and support.