Bryre Roots - Holistic Health

False Comfort

When we feel a deep longing or missing, we will try to fill the gaps with pseudo-comforts and quick-fix pleasures. The treats and thrills that we indulge in while we are in a shadow state allow us to perpetuate the myth that we are taking care of ourselves. The truth is that we are soothing ourselves in ways we learned that provide a brief respite, without addressing the underlying cause of suffering that leads to the need for shadow pleasures. Acting in this way is a cover-up for what we really want more of. Often it is intimacy, closeness, peace, rest, or to be worry free for just a little while.

Finding ways to medicate or soothe the underlying suffering turns easily to addiction and/or obsession in some people. At that point, we have to find reasons to defend and excuse behaviors that keep us stagnant or dissociated, tolerating abuse and neglect from ourselves and others. Living with an undercurrent of shame becomes normal.

What we feel shame about, we will often try to express in acceptable ways. It shows up as false humility, self-deprecation, or constantly apologizing. An individual with bulimia may hide binges. An alcoholic may find a way to function and appear as an upstanding citizen. A s*x addict may spend more time in fantasy than reality.

Self-soothing is normalized to the point of daily habituations : coffee before work, drinks after work, checking out on weekends. Our needs become more difficult to accommodate as we reach outside for more ways to comfort the persistent sense of dissatisfaction.

—— Pixie Lighthorse, Goldmining the Shadows