Weaving Parachutes

WHY IS IT SO DIFFICULT TO ASK FOR HELP ?

Last Christmas I was given the most thoughtful of gifts - It was a book called "The Boy, The Mole, The Fox and The Horse" by Charlie Mackesy. A beautifully illustrated book with lots of valuable life lessons to be pondered.

One page has always stuck in my mind - it is the moment the boy asks the horse what the bravest thing he has ever said - the horse simply replies "Help".

Following on from my last post on the inequality between men and women and their engagement in mental health provisions this seems poignant.

Why is it that we find it so difficult to ask for help? Why is it that this is such a "brave" thing to ask for?

There were two recent headlines and discussions that capture the essence of the challenges faced. One article was exploring the comments by Sir Steven Redgrave on the lack of success of the British rowing team. He was reported as saying that 'If we want a soft approach, we will have to expect softer results."

I understand the context within which this comment was made - However, it has wider ramifications and implications outside of professional sport, it gives a perception that the soft approach does not lead inevitably to success. In my eyes this is a social and cultural dogma. A stance that needs to be challenged and critiqued openly and without judgement.

The other headline was the report that English cricketer Ben Stokes was stepping down from topflight cricket citing his mental health as being the cause. A brave statement. However, the comments section made for interesting reading - there wasn't much outpouring of empathy or compassion! It was more of a series of remarks suggesting that as an elite athlete he was in a privileged position and if he can't stand the pressure then he should move on ! This is a distillation of the majority of comments.

Although sweeping generalisations cannot be made from these two headlines, it does highlight the deeply engrained belief that to show emotions, show vunerability or to ask for help is in some way a sign of failing and not a desirable move if 'success' is to be achieved.

As with the horse in Charles Mackesy's book - we need to change the mindset, the language we use and utilise around health and mental health. Asking for help is not only the bravest but the strongest thing any of us can do. Stepping toward, rather than an avoidance or ignoring of those challenges we all face in our lives whether they be physical or mental.

Please feel free to contact if you need help – if you are struggling with anxiety, depression, stress or just want to perform better. Always more than happy to discuss how I may be of help.

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MEN-tal Health?

Over recent years it has been encouraging to see a growth in both understanding and acceptance of mental health issues in society. With this increased awareness there has been a proliferation of services and courses aimed at supporting and boosting mental health.

However, this increased provision hasn’t necessarily translated to engagement - especially of men. The all-important next step, if theory is to blossom into change. As with learning to swim - we can be provided with all the knowledge and understanding about the process of swimming, but we eventually must step into the water to truly learn!

Why is there a lack of engagement?

I think the reasons are multiple and complex, but I suspect the causes distil down to lingering social and cultural stigma around the topic and the unpalatability of the language utilised.

There is most certainly a general unwillingness to show vulnerability. To sit in a group or to even enrol in courses about mental health is still viewed by a large percentage of men as something that is less than desirable or beneficial to their careers. Many men feel a pressure to be always strong. The incentive to engage tends to only occur once rock bottom has been reached. Until this point, a large percentage of men utilise maladaptive coping strategies – drink, drugs, or violent outbursts.

The hesitancy to openly discuss difficulty stretches far beyond the workplace and many men lack the network of supportive friends or the language to verbalise how they are feeling. Often, when they do manage to vocalise, they are met with a response that closes down the conversation or the expression of emotion.

One funny personal example of this was a conversation I had with two incredibly generous friends. During the period of my cancer treatment, they had provided a flat for myself and family close to the hospital where I was having treatment. An incredibly generous gift on its own. However, 2 months after I had completed treatment, I met up with them both to express my gratitude for their kindness. At this point they asked if I had thought of going on holiday with the family so we could all be together in a way that would be healing to all. I said that it was a great idea, however, I hadn’t worked for 7 months and couldn’t afford this. They interjected and said that I’d misunderstood, they wanted to pay for us! My immediate response was to cry …. a lot! I couldn’t believe their kindness and the positive impact it would have for my family. One of the friends became visibly agitated at my crying and lent forward, put his hand on my knee and said “there, there, don’t cry …. We do this for other people…….you’re nothing special.” We all burst out laughing and immediately I stopped crying. However, this act, although unconscious signifies the great discomfort many men have when confronted by another man in distress.

Another problem I see is in the language utilised in titles and the courses is not helpful. Mindfulness, emotional intelligence, self-care, compassion, acceptance, and commitment therapy etc. Although the tide is turning, for many men these words are seen as fluffy, deemed a little more feminine and fit somewhere in the realms of hippy mumbo jumbo! This is captured by the last 49 covers of Mindful magazine. 32 of the covers have a woman on the front, 4 have pictures of flowers and the remainder have men on their covers - 6 of which are sitting cross legged! The perception is that these are courses are engaged with, mainly by women or alternatively when things have hit rock bottom – not before!

I have run many corporate courses where there have been comments about the ‘soft skills’ that are being taught and their importance. I always laugh at this point and question why they are termed ‘soft skills’? In my eyes, they are the ‘hardest’ skills! Once again, the perception of soft may subconsciously add to the lack of engagement by men.

We need to find different and relevant ways of presenting this potentially life changing information. Finding different and applicable language - engaging participants where they are at in the things that are most important to them.

One way may be to utilise the medium of sport to stimulate interest - if we tell any golfer or sportsperson that it will improve their handicap or performance, they tend to be curious! Subsequently, the initial engagement aimed at boosting sports performance may well have benefits elsewhere in their lives. Surely, awareness and regulation of emotions has got to be of benefit on and off the course? A symbiotic approach is thus initiated.

I have been working with a colleague, Sarah Silverton, on courses with a more palatable and wider potential audience reach. No mention of mindfulness or anything too fluffy! The intention is to create engagement in techniques before problems arrive, weaving a proverbial parachute. This approaches would sit beside and enhance existing provisions.

To discuss how this approach may be of benefit to you personally or within your organisation , please do not hesitate to contact.