Sparkling Math

"What is Love?" - From a nerd

Sometimes I talk with my sister about our parents.

We grew up in a typical Asian household. It was Vietnam in the early 2000s, and life wasn't particularly easy. I remember wishing I had been born somewhere else, somewhere "better," where all my dreams could come true. But I had a home. A roof over my head. Food on the table. I never had to worry about anything except studying, because my parents made sure of that; and I listened to them. I wasn't a genius, I eventually realized, but I did… well enough.

My sister had it a bit worse than me I think. She was their first child, and it was during quite a time of hardship. More importantly perhaps, they were figuring out how to be good parents. She'd tell me that she got hit a lot, scared a lot, cried a lot, felt lots of pressure - to achieve, to perform, to prove herself, make them proud. Make herself proud. I felt somewhat the same when I was a kid, but I suppose they did a bit better with me. I always had this quiet confidence that whichever path I chose, I'd be fine. I caught a few whips on the palm, but not many, and in some ways I deserved it. But I was taught by my sister too, so I had 3 parents.

I grew up happily. They did the best they could, with what they had, up to the limits of their capacity. They were just trade-school workers; I'm on my way to a PhD in Germany. They went through wars as children and soldiers; I did not have as much of a nightmare as waking up late for an exam. Each generation has its trauma, I suppose. Mine feels small in comparison. At least it makes it easy to deny myself of self-pity. All I have to do is remembering what they went through.

Loving is easy. They say you learn to love from your parents. I think it's true, but the way my parents expressed love was, frankly, terrible. But in all its harshness, there was not a single moment in all the billion moments I existed, that I had any doubt, that they would not bite the bullet, or shove me aside, or trade their lives for me. This constancy has been a constant part of my life. I learned that when you love someone, you make sure they feel your presence in every fiber of their being. That whatever happens, you'll be alright, and I'll be there for you. With you.

I've been away from them for 2 years, and I miss them dearly everyday, and I want to go home. But I never felt like they were missing. I feel like I carried the best of them, that even if they're gone, they won't be. I can feel them everywhere, from how I live my life, how I treat everyone, and how to see the world always full of colors and possibilities. Loving is easy, and I guess maybe they weren't perfect - and nobody is - they gave me the most important thing in the universe.

Every person's experience is unique, and there's no right way to live. We make with what we had, and I'm always happy to hear the stories whenever someone feel warm enough to share. For me, I think I'm quite lucky that I left home when I was 26. I mean, we all have our needs when we come sit near the bonfire, and I respect us for that. It's just that for me, I never feel the need to feel stable. To find something to grab on, someone to hang on to. Not to sounds ungrateful - and I am grateful - but isn't it given? Friends come and go. Some are kind, some are distant, some stay for a while, some move away. But in every moment they're with me, I feel true.

I don't proclaim to be some master of love; I've never been lucky enough to find any romance, honestly. But what I learned, I learned from the few people who have truly loved me in my life. For me, love is like a lens. Through it, the world becomes colorful, vivid, alive. It's in the droplet of rain I get to feel because they showed me how to wear a raincoat. It's in the wall I get to touch because they made sure I follow my dream. The world is filled with their care. It's like learning to ride a bike, or drive a car; once you know how, you never lose it, and the world opens up with possibilities. You go and meet someone, and they give you more love, and they care for you, and you care for them the same way your parents have taken care of you - since you were a lump of crying mess with no name, to what you are today, no demands for what you have to do or who you have to be for them, just preparing you for the day they're gone. And when they're gone, and eventually they'll all be gone, you ride your bide toward the next destination.

Love feels powerful. When you're loved, you feel emancipated. When someone truly loves you, they don't make the best choices for you, nor do they let you ruin yourself unchecked. They put you in a position where you can make the best choice for yourself. When someone truly loves you, you feel like the center of the world, because they put you at the center of theirs. You feel popular. Sometimes it makes you arrogant, and you think you're popular because you're so cool, and you go out there searching for something "better." But love is a gift, not a reward. It doesn't come to you because you're great; it's because they're great. The world is sometimes cruel to those trying to love, yet someone, somewhere, they have chosen to love nontheless. I think it's brave.

In the midst of night, I see my mom again when she was younger. I was sitting on the bed, the room glowing completely yellow from the afternoon sun. There's no event that happen that day. I don't remember what she was doing either, but she was there. You might not believe in God, but she always have a place for those who had a glimspe of her garden.

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If you truly love someone, you love them even in their absence. If you're going to work on yourself and give her everything then, why don't you do it now? Won't she be the love of your life? Won't she be worth it?

The truth is, we've already fallen in love with her. We just don't know her name, or how she looks yet. Working on ourselves and loving ourselves is the first step to treasuring her.

Yesterday, someone baked me a muffin. I came home to it. It was so surprising and sweet to me. For the last 2 years, all my food had been quite... predictable.

You know, other people, they grow up and come to realize that the little things that matter. For me, it has always been about the little things. I remember my dad always complaining to me about this one vacation. Basically when I was a kid, my dad took our family to a beach vacation, and I was always at the hotel room in AC playing Chinese chess with him lol

I didn't care about the beach back then, nor do I care about it now. I just wanted to be surrounded by the people I love, and they love me. I'm that kind of boring guy haha

I don't like little bite-sized advises because they usually lack subtleties, but I will just write these 3 things I learn from my adventure here because I think they are important to remember for me:

1. To be kind, you need to be able to treat people how you want to be treated, without expecting them to do the same for you. No one owes each other friendship and kindness; and if you're to be good, it must comes from within you. Doing good things should be like breathing air; it's natural, and you do it because you want to do it, not because you want them to treat you back. Be happy when they can find happiness, even when it is found without your help.

2. It's not easy to do the thing above immediately, so go at your own pace. Do one small good thing at a time, and if you feel like you've done too much for someone, when you feel like a bitch, it's okay to stop. Life's long; you need to preserve your energy to the people who cares for you the most first, and you can't treat everyone equally well immediately if you're not it yet. We aren't that good right at the beginning, and it's okay to admit that, so that we can slowly improve from there.

3. Be genuinely interested in people. Ask the small stupid things, and don't worry much about it being stupid or too perceptive. Truly care. Assume the best in people. Don't try to read too much; you can read when you're meditating alone, but when you interact with them, look at them as a person, not some jigsaw puzzle you try to piece together.

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Have you ever wondered, what makes a good person?

I have been struggling with this question my entire life. Well, not really. I had a pretty simplistic picture before, but after moving to Germany, that has changed significantly.

I have always thought that being a good person means to treat everyone well equally. Because by definition, a good person is someone with a good heart. And if you have a good heart, it comes from within you to treat someone nicely, no matter who that person is. Someone who is fake nice is someone who is "selectively nice"; they choose the people who the want to treat nicely. The niceness doesn't come from within; it's artificial, and is dictated by whether they have an agenda with that person or not. A simple example is the "nice guy", who treats women nicely because he has some underlying motive with them. The moment he gets it, or that he realizes he won't get it, he switched. And in order to know if someone is really a good person, we need to spend a long time get to know them, and watch how they treat those who they have nothing to gain from - vulnerable groups such as immigrants, disabled people, etc.

Simple, easy to follow isn't it?

Yet, as I continue my life here in a different setting, upholding such standard is just impossible. It's stressful, unrewarding, and quite frankly, unsustainable.

I grew up in a third world country. There, thanks to my parent and partially through my own effort (haha), I made a series of good life decision. Despite being not exactly rich, I have always studied well, well-mannered, and is relatively good-looking within my culture. People are nice to me, and I have faith in humanity, that people are generally nice. Because they have always treated me nicely - being the advantageous creature that I am - why would I become cynical?

In general, we cannot judge a person through some few interaction we have with them. But it does paint a corner of the entire picture, and I think it's worthwhile to pay attention. Thing is, there are things I would never know about those people who have treated me nicely, of whether it is because they are nice, that people are nice, or that because they ultimately want something from me. That is what I realize when I lose my advantage here the moment I become "a foreigner": there are things that the native will never see, spending time around each others for years, the same way I could not see my own people. Yet here, I can see them in a second. Because I have nothing to offer, and everything to gain from being their friends.

Recently, I made some German friends. They were nice to me, and they invited me to some of their parties and social gatherings. In there, being the awkward creature that I am, I was unable to talk to anyone there. I would start pretty much every conversation, and they just responded half-heartedly. And they never ask anything about me. Sometimes, they don't even ask my name even after I got theirs. I became frustrated, and was wondering: who's at fault here? Is it me? Is it because I'm a foreigner? Or is it just because I'm not interesting? But I do have international friends? Is it because I can't speak German? But who invite someone who broke their legs into their house, and ignore them because in this house we walk? If you find someone nice and want to befriend them, do you go "oh s**t, I'd love to become his friend, but unfortunately he doesn't know my mother tongue"? I mean, I'd love to learn German, but shouldn't I try to learn it because German treated me well and has a cool culture, not because they blackmail me with social exclusion? Is it me, who apparently at this point accumulated so much negative energy? Or is it them, who invited me in, but never let me in? Were they just do it to preserve some self-image of left-wing political virtue, without the trueness of the heart, as someone who actually cares would have helped me break into existing social circle, so intimidating and alienating for someone like me?

Even from the way I put it, you can tell that I held off so much resentment haha. It makes me really depressed for a time, since it makes me lose faith in the goodness of people. I wanted someone to blame, and I could not reconcile between blaming myself and them. Then I realize, maybe there's something between good and evil.

Well firstly, I'm not such a charm to be with. That's no question. I enjoy myself, perhaps too much, which lead me becoming like this haha. But as I travel, I realized that what like even more is people can enjoy being around me. Perhaps that's why I'm a bit forced; I'm still learning, but I'm always open and friendly. Maybe that's not enough for them? I brought up this problem to an Indian friend, and he tell me that's just how German are. It's their culture. But if you have the opportunity to connect to people, shouldn't you always try to grab it? Why would you incorporate such antisocial and lonely attitude and turn it into your "culture", your "identity"? I mean they said it themselves, shouldn't they wonder why they can't make friends well after school, after those days of being forced to interact? I'm no one to talk about this haha, but shouldn't they then learn how to make friends, and the first step is just to ask back the same questions after the other guy have asked about you? Look, I came here to learn Physics, not to sell kebap. If I can, I will criticize the culture, and feel free to counter me so we have a good discussion. But I'm not gonna suck up. As much as I know I have problems expressing myself, I think the country has its problem - as all countries do - and it should not be a slight to one's cultural identity, to learn the best from that of all.

But secondly; you know what's the most important thing is? I realize that, no one owes kindness to another. It would have been nice if they held my hand all the way through, but they could also have just not invited me at all. They did the little thing that was good, and it was nice of them to do it. What they could not do, I shall not hold it against them, because it is not required of them anyway. Just because you want to be friends with someone does not mean they should want to be friends with you. Treat others the way you want to be treated, but don't expect them to do the same for you. That's kindness.

And guess what? At the end of the day, we have a limit to our energy. If we're nice to everyone all the time, even to the people who don't welcome our affection, we risk overextending ourselves. It's just not rewarding. And if it's not sustainable, we will stress ourselves and develop mental health problem, or at least become cynical and dark, which further hurt our chance to bring light into the few who will treat us right in the future. To be a good person, the first step, is to manage our energy. Choose our friends, maybe not on the properties of skin color or socioeconomic background, but perhaps firstly, by the warmness in their heart.

One last thing to remember, also: just because someone did something that wasn't good, doesn't mean that they're bad. And neither is an angel you can find in someone who did a few good things for all the wrong reason. We're all at different stages in our lives. Some of us are safe mentally and personally, so we look for friends who can bring us tangible things. Some want someone who they can connect with, someone truthful and empathetic, because they're already financially secure. And sometimes, it's just too much to treat everyone nicely like that, knowing that they do not bring what we need into our lives. Therefore, we need to communicate clearly what we want from each other, as not to bring about false expectations.

Don't expect so much from others, nor can you drag a "good personality" out of yourselves out of the blue. The key to a good life, I think, is to know that we are not responsible to bring the goodness out of other people, and for ourselves, how far can we push our own personal growth.

Don't try to be a good person. Just be a wee bit better than what you think you can right now. Life is not a race, nor a marathon. It's not even a competition.

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