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Forgive the very rough draft of this first installment.

All hope seems false (1)

" I wish I had died on that table, like my night terrors played out for weeks "......" I should have honestly... no no like listen before you jump on the no negative thoughts nonsense. " " I would have had happy memories right before going under, I knew the kids were safe, none of our things , memories and home were violated..... I had a job and belongings to give and insurance coverage. They would have had something from me to help them have good lives. I still had the delusion of family and being loved. Fake but oh well.... and the pain of losing me would have pulled in time.....they wouldn't recent me like now and my soul had a chance at peace." " Hell even if that little bitch boy had managed to finish me off one of the handful of times he tried killing me would have been better....at least in that people would stop trying to paint me as a villain or say Im lying about it....slapping disgusting labels on me that are furthest from.the truth. For what? That pitiful follow thr group mentality that happens when the weak minded gather ? Jesus.
" So.... in living , in surviving and pushing to end the spree of a dangerous monster ... I'm trapped now. Every path I look at and think through over and over not one results in anything but more suffering ...especially for myself. I'm not perfect no one is or will be, but for f**k sakes I seem to be the only one trying and not thinking of only myself.... and I do that BEFORE doing something not after.... thinking if someone you love after you've already done the thing you feel is damaging doesn't matter now.... its already done...so like.... no comfort for either there... thanks. Very soon I'll gladly
Wash my hands of this life and refuse to play this game any longer. Im sure ill get poked at still and that will be a moment of me showing what I've warned of for years.... the counterpart of the kind ,beautiful loving self I get praised for often . Yes thank you hearing how good and genuine I am to others really helps salt my wounds when the say people cut off parts of me and eat them in my presence. While telling me they aren't consuming anything.
She sighed heavily, being grateful for the rare ( hopefully not two faced) friend to lean on. To vent to without open judgment, that also will not sugar coat thoughts ect which in her eyes is abusive too. Its a lie dressed up as a gift somehow, and distorted reality we then tend to base our next choices on. She hated that, always will.
The sigh too was feeling guilt for handing something so heavy to this friend to carry even if for a moment.....she too now in a way punishing someone for being good and kind.
Its apparently unavoidable?

Im sorry...I... " Stop! No stop in know man , I knew the downside when I said yes, when I offered to listen and be here its okay...okay?.... you have enough guilt on you..Im not adding more I want go be here.
She could feel the wall of tears building in her eyes now, giving way as discretely as possible in silent streams down her face. The paired wails unearthly sounds assaulting her internal world only. But so forcefully, her best friend of over two decades lifted an eyebrow and remarks that the ring in her ears is deafening.
" That eyeliner is a f**king tank tho eh?"
The abrupt laugh that forced its way to the spot light was almost obnoxious. Like the kool aid man making a cameo in a public screening of the boy in stripped pajamas.
The inappropriate timing and dark nature of the joking remark tickled the pitch black funny bone of the pair. Neither showing the slightest care to the looks or snears of strangers in the shop. She stared daggers back at the most openly vocal stone thrower while carefully wiping tears away. Skillfully keeping her makeup intact , he looked to the ground not long into their staring contest. A bit arrogant even if she felt morally justified she openly drew attention to the submission. " YEAH.. that's what I thought as***le". Her friend needing no explanation just shook her head and chuckled softly . " Had something super funny to tell you about but it can wait now since everyone here is now listening.......

Today ( Oct 14th) weighed heavy on my heart.... as I knew it would be .... time is something you can never get back , it's something we should never use to hurt those we love. It marked another year the world has been blessed with the presence of a wonderful person... my younger and only sibling. Nathan...dear Brother you are a remarkable person, you wear your heart on your sleeve, wish only good for others....even those who probably don't deserve such patience from you. I admire your perseverance to remain true to yourself, to your passions and unyielding dreams. We've faced some bleak obstacles as siblings that I know have marked me as life moves forward... you gave me drive to endure and carry on as best I could.... Ive yet to see life break you down Nathan. I've watched people that have no idea what you're capable of make little remarks and predictions and just smirk at them. Knowing full well that my "little" brother is moments away from humbling their toxic selves in anything you set out to do. Making sure they take in the gravity of your accomplishments in those moments versus their expectations. Proud to be your sister, blessed to have watched you grow into the loving, talented and compassionate man you are today. Over the years it's always brought me great joy finding the perfect Birthday Gifts for you! The perfect gestures to show you how much you mean to me , how much I love you and how much I care! I am deeply sorry dear brother that a second year now ( through no fault of your own ) we are not able to celebrate together, sorry that you've been made to feel that I stopped caring about you at any moment... something that's not even possible buddy... on my soul... and I know in my heart you know that...... doesn't make me any less sorry....make missing you any less painful either. It's not right the situation, and one day.... sooner than later things will be as they should be.... and Ill do my best to make up for that lost time petty actions that have nothing to do with you took away. I love you Nathan ... Happy 35th Birthday! You're wonderful and I miss you dearly.

✅ LOCATED – SAPHERA, 14

The missing vulnerable 14-year-old girl from Oshawa, Ontario, has been located safe and sound.

Thank you to the public for your assistance. 💙

What's on my mind today?.... loaded question if there ever was one. Happy to be back into some of my accounts for starts f**k lol. October is bittersweet for me once again this year, I'll be trying my hardest to keep sorrows at bay..... another short story or two are on the way shortly as well.......lost time to make up for. :)